Dear Brad,

It’s been ten years. The sound of your voice, your scent, your touch is no longer easily recalled in my memory. Your name on my lips is no longer familiar. On August 15, 2020 it will be ten years since you left this earth. Ten years since you took your own life. You left our four children fatherless and me to raise them without you. I was so mad at you. How could you do this to us? What will I say to our children? How do I do this life without you? I was so mad I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I needed to stay here and begin to clean up this mess of a life you left me.

But I did go to the hospital. And I was grateful to be there when you took your final breath, when the pain you were feeling finally left. And then all I felt was sorrow. Sorrow for the life taken too soon and the pain I did not understand. The pain I did not know how to relieve.

And, how much pain you must have felt to take your life. You were charismatic, fun-loving, intelligent, and kind. Even through the pain, we never knew how much you were suffering. The world lost a remarkable man that day. The world is less than, without you. I wish I had known the extent of the suffering you were experiencing. I wish I had been more observant, more knowledgeable, more empathetic, less selfish. I wish so many things.

Although all five of us are thriving ten years later, we would rather have you here on this earth. We would give everything up for more time with you.

I wish you would have gotten help. I wish you had gone to the doctor, talked to someone. I wish you were here for Zach’s wedding and the birth of your first grandchild and to see what a successful businessman he has become. I wish you could have been at Zoe’s graduation from Physical Therapy school, met her husband, walked her down the aisle at her wedding, and seen what a difference she is making in the lives of others. I wish you could feel the pride I felt when Zia received acceptance letters and scholarships to so many colleges, became the president of her sorority and seen the truly kind and compassionate heart she has for the marginalized. I wish you could have been to Zane’s high school graduation, moved him into his college dorm and seen what a kind, hard working, and respectful young man he has become and the future that awaits him.

I know you would be proud of the lives we are leading and the legacies we are building.  It has been hard fought. It has not been easy without you. The easy thing would have been to use your tragic death as an excuse. An excuse to not build productive meaningful lives. An excuse to be self-destructive. But each of us have overcome our own unique obstacles to be a difference maker in our chosen path. Parenting without you has been so hard, and I have made some mistakes. But together we laid a foundation that I have tried to build on. And the proof of that is our kids … they are incredible.

The upcoming days to the anniversary of your death have been difficult for me. As I move into this new stage of life as an empty nester without you, it’s hard not to remember the hopes and dreams we had for our life together. You were a dreamer, I am a realist. We always landed somewhere in the middle. It was a good thing. I miss that.

As a family, we will continue to honor you and your legacy through our work and our lives. You taught me so much in life and in death. You taught me to be more spontaneous and everything doesn’t need to be planned out. You showed me how to be a friend, because you never met a stranger. This was evident at your memorial service when there was standing room only. You taught me how to work hard and play hard, because that’s how you lived your life. In death you showed me how strong I can be. You taught me how to forgive … forgive others and myself.

You are missed.

Until I see you again …

Love, Susan

My hope is that our story can help at least one family not experience the grief of losing a loved one through suicide.

If you are having suicidal feelings, please get help. Please talk to someone. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

• YOU are worthy.
• The world needs YOU.
• Your family and friends are NOT better off without you.
• You are valuable and worth getting and receiving help.
• You are loved.

If you know someone who might be having suicidal thoughts, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are 5 steps you can take to #BeThe1To help someone in emotional pain:

1. ASK: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It’s not an easy question but studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they are suicidal does not increase suicides or suicidal thoughts.
2. KEEP THEM SAFE: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. While this is not always easy, asking if the at-risk person has a plan and removing or disabling the lethal means can make a difference.
3. BE THERE: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Research suggests acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce rather than increase suicidal thoughts
4. HELP THEM CONNECT: Save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s number in your phone so it’s there when you need it: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also help make a connection with a trusted individual like a family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
5. STAY CONNECTED: Staying in touch after a crisis or after being discharged from care can make a difference. Studies have shown the number of suicide deaths goes down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.

Download #BeThe1To Flyer

And, my May 2019 was a lot like that, except it wasn’t filled with studying. Here’s a little high level glimpse into my May activities:

• Zoe – Graduated with her Doctor of Physical Therapy degree – 3 day celebration out of town and Hutton Graduated with his MD at the same school.
• Zane – Graduated from high school – party at the house and graduation ceremony
• Zoe – (same one as above) – Got married to her best friend

So…when I put this down on paper, it’s three items. It doesn’t seem like much. What’s the big deal? You did three things in May…why all the hoopla? On paper, it seems pretty simple, but after just recuperating from May, doing one of those things in a “semester” would be enough. But doing all three in one month is like a Maymester…cramming a whole semester into a single month.

See below for my Maymester Syllabus:
May 1st- 7th – Relax! First week is always easy. (In my own head – “you’ve got plenty of time to get everything done that needs to be done this month. Relax. It’s all good.”)

May 8th – You leave tomorrow for Augusta for Zoe’s 3 day graduation celebration. Why haven’t you done anything yet? Do all the things by tomorrow:
• Who’s watching the dogs? Why do I always forget about this?
• Clean the house (because I hate to come home to a messy house).
• Laundry (always laundry before I leave town).
• Pack – always last minute.
• Find appropriate graduation gifts for adults who are also getting married in two weeks and moving across the country and are now professionals, no longer students after 20 something years.
• Did my husband pack the right things? Did my son pack the right things? I need to let that go…they are grown-ups. They won’t be naked. Who cares if it matches?
• Write down everything for husband because he decides last minute to drive separately because of work and coaching commitments. This is a whole other level of required communication, don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m saying.

May 9th – May 10th – Hooding ceremony for Zoe and Hutton, DPT brunch
• Figure out where the event is taking place. What will you wear? Who will save your seat?
• Take the pictures.
• Don’t let the phone die. Don’t miss her name being called on your video.
• Leave it to the professional next time, your 18 year old son.
• Be so proud. But whatever you do, don’t cry. Why do you even try, your eyes have a mind of their own.
• Tour campus, because your 18 year old son will be attending same school in the fall.
• Nap.
• Don’t forget to take gifts and wine to graduation party.

May 11th – Head home. Relax – it’s still 13 days until son’s graduation party at the house and 15 days until the wedding. Plenty of time.

May 12th – Panic and brain dump EVERY.SINGLE.THING that needs to be done for the wedding and graduation party.
• Be thankful your daughter is super chill AND a super planner and created a day by day schedule of tasks to be completed. Thank God again.

May 13th – May 19th – Work your full time job during day, complete wedding tasks by night. You don’t need sleep. It’s an overrated commodity.

May 15th – Realize your deck is a hot mess and needs all of the floor boards replaced before graduation party, because you love your family and friends and would hate to see them fall through to the patio below. Delegate finding contractor available THIS WEEK to your husband. He knows people.

May 19th – Housekeeping service coming tomorrow for deep clean. Clean your house for the cleaners.

May 20th – 24th – Week of the wedding:
• Maids come –stay out of their way.
• Carpet cleaners come – stay out of their way.
• Make three trips to airport for early helpers and Zia, home for summer. More hands. Also, be happy to see them, but put them to work immediately.
• Don’t stress because all of the flowers come Thursday for the wedding and you think you are a florist. Re-watch all the youtube videos on how to prep wedding flowers for the millionth time.
• Make all the bouquets, bouts, corsages, flower arrangements. Thank Flower Moxie for beautiful flowers and easy to do arrangements and saving you thousands of dollars.
• Do ALL THE THINGS for graduation party tonight. Too many to list. Do you best. Estimate 50 people attending. Make sure son feels loved and valued and important in the midst of wedding festivities.

May 25th – Final little touches. Wedding is tomorrow, it’s going to be great. Relax and have one of those 1,000 craft beers you bought for the wedding. You deserve it. Enjoy amazing rehearsal dinner with friends and family.

May 26th – Wedding at The Wheeler House in Ball Ground, GA. The most beautiful weekend. Don’t cry. Ok. Go ahead and cry. You deserve a good proud cry.

May 27th – Congratulations, you completed your Maymester! Don’t forget to register for the following life moments: Zoe and Hutton moving to cross country to Utah; Zane orientation and college move-in; Zia headed back to California for her junior year; your house being quiet, but MUCH cleaner. Go buy a case of Kleenex and stock in Delta airlines.

The second time was in September 2010. It had been just over two weeks since Brad had died. Brad was my husband for 19 years and the father of my children. All of the family had gone back home after the funeral, and it hit me that I was on my own raising these four kids. The enormity of it all was just too much. My eyes welled up right there in the Kroger.

The third time was yesterday, May 5^th, 2019. I got up early to get some groceries for our family Cinco de Mayo dinner. Back at my neighborhood Kroger. I was walking back to produce, because I forgot limes, and my eyes welled up again. This time because it had really hit me that in 30 days, my daughter Zoe, now 24 years old, was getting married and moving 1,600 miles away to Utah to start her career and her life as a married woman. Between planned trips away and her honeymoon, I have exactly 18 days left with her until she moves and our visits will probably be a couple times a year, rather than every couple of weeks.

I am honestly so happy and excited for her! Zoe and her fiancé have grown up most of their lives in Georgia. This week, Zoe is graduating from physical therapy school and her fiancé is graduating from medical school. They are a power couple and they are ready for a new adventure! And, I can’t blame them. I did the same thing. After college I couldn’t wait to just do something new. After living in a small Nebraska town during high school and attending a small town college in South Dakota, I said yes to a job offer from an international company that would move me to a new city. MBA in hand and my Chevy Citation on the back of a Ryder truck, I moved to Detroit. Yes, that was definitely an adventure! So, I get it!

But, tell that to my heart.

My brain gets it. My heart knows a piece of it will be leaving in a U-Haul with her Nissan Rogue on the back. So, until she actually leaves, we’ll be spending our time with wedding planning, organizing, packing, planning and dreaming about her future. And, my heart will be sad (because it’s selfish), but it will also swell with pride at this amazing woman I have raised, who is strong, smart, independent, adventurous, compassionate and faith-filled. And I will be eternally grateful for cell phones, FaceTime and living near a Delta Airlines hub.

Arleen and I met first at the football fields of our local rec league where our daughters both cheered for youth football teams and rec competition teams. Our girls cheered for different teams, but became team mates in middle school and high school where our friendship blossomed and we shared carpooling duties! And, as it is in the cheer world, we eventually ended up at the same competitive cheer gym. (It’s a small world, y’all!)

Before this new adventure, Arleen’s life was similar to a lot of ours in suburbia. Work and kids’ stuff. Boom. That’s all we had time and energy for, you know what I’m saying!? But, before all of that, Arleen made a living doing what she loved and was passionate about, singing and performing. Arleen’s love of singing started when she was about 5 and she landed the role of an Elf in her school play The Shoemaker and the Elves! She ended up with solos in her PTA programs and in 7^th grade asked for the solo in her church musical and sure enough, she got it! That’s it, she was hooked! Arleen became a professional performer at Six Flags Over Georgia, was a member of a female vocal band, Eclipse and eventually joined a band full time performing on weekends for weddings and corporate events.

This lifestyle was perfect for about 14 years into motherhood. She was home during the week while Bill worked, and worked weekends while Bill was home. Then those crazy years hit, middle school and high school, where your kids are CRAZY busy all day every day, even weekends, but they can’t drive yet. I know you know what I’m talking about! And, Arleen didn’t want to miss out on those times; the events, the games & competitions, the windshield time, etc. So, she let the band go, found a flexible “day job”, and joyfully spent weekends supporting her kids.

Fast forward ten years, Arleen & Bill are on their next great adventure in a new city. First day in Greenville, Arleen goes straight to Center Stage Theatre, a professional theater for the performing arts. Now is the time to rekindle that fire and get back on that stage! Over the last 4 years, Arleen has been in 4 shows; Hands on a Hard Body, Sister Act, Breaking Up is Hard to Do, and Into the Woods. It’s a pretty grueling schedule with 7 weeks of practice, Monday – Friday 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm, not to mention tech rehearsals which are 12 hours days, and then 4 weeks of performances! Oh, and did I mention Arleen also has two jobs? Yep…superwoman, or crazy? Or maybe both? But, what an example and inspiration for those of us still on the cusp of empty nesting! I have loved watching her from afar pursue her passion and figuring out what her new normal looks like.

In her valuable spare time, Arleen is also a talented paper crafter. Arleen was my Close to my Heart rep back in the day, (I know you had one too!) and we had so much fun scrapbooking our lives! Now, her paper crafting is more for her own creative release, but I wish she would open up an online shop, quite honestly. She would make a killing, her work is gorgeous! She creates the most beautiful cards using so many different and unique techniques.  And what a lost art, the sending of an actual card in the mail. You can find her work at @designedbyarleen on Instagram.

Arleen is currently taking a break from performing as she and Bill are planning for their 35^th wedding anniversary trip to Europe where they will be visiting England, Scotland and Wales in the fall. And, after 35 years, Arleen says “yep, I still like him!” Arleen’s next goal is to focus on getting healthy and spending time on herself. She wants to have the energy and stamina to do all the great things they want to do on their trip, and fit comfortably in that airplane seat for that 8 hour flight!  No matter what she does, I know I’ll love following along on Arleen’s next adventure!

What are you doing to rekindle a lost passion in your life?  Comment below!

I am learning from seasons of personal experience that the place to start is simply to have a grateful heart. I don’t say this lightly and I know life can serve up some crazy and unexpected curve balls. Some hard hitting balls that hurt beyond what I will share. Tough stuff. But, hear me out before you kick me out of the game. Take a peek into one of the seasons of learning in my life….

One of my daughters has recently gone through a tough season of closed doors, no’s and many things not shaking her way. On top of that, within a 2 month time span, she experienced a car break in, laptop and iPad stolen, two car accidents, a totaled car, missed interviews that she was so pumped about, and believe it or not, I could go on. I’ll spare you. But, you are probably getting a clear peek, right? It’s been a hard season with lots of why me’s and other thoughts causing her to spin in that cycle of yuck and such. Cue the entrance of me…. Let me introduce myself:

Hey, hey! I’m Sheri, aka, empathizer, sympathizer, feeler of what you feel. If it hurts you, then it hurts me. You are sad and despairing? I’m tracking with you. It might as well be happening to me, too. I ask the ‘but why’ questions on your behalf. And hello again, I’m Sheri, also helper and want to be ‘fixer upper’ of you and your situation and sad heart. ESPECIALLY, if you are my family. Nice to meet you.

It’s always something, right? Always some yuck. Always some negative stuff. Always some things not shaking our way. But, there is always something else. But, there is always SOMEONE else. But, GOD. So much in those two words. So much hope, trust, peace, joy and a better way. A better outlook.

But, God. But, God has been teaching me for a while about Philippians 4:6-8, which says: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and THANK HIM for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear bothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Such good stuff on its own. Such TRUTH!! But, God also had me in the book of James in our groups bible study during this season. Though I had studied it before, this time one of the verses kept ringing in my heart. It was front and center in my thoughts. James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father…” Who doesn’t love a gift? But a good and perfect gift? Now we are talking!! But wait a minute. Can those good and perfect gifts from God not feel so “ good and perfect” sometimes? Hang with me here. Are no’s good and perfect gifts? Are hard seasons and trials good and perfect gifts? Is God to be trusted with the no’s in our lives as much as he is with the yes’s? He is Sovereign, right? Can the hard season be used as a refining and defining season? Can we choose to believe that the hard season will mature us in our walk with Jesus? Maybe you are wanting to shout, NO, NO and NO. I get it. But Again, YES, YES AND YES.

We can absolutely turn every anxious thought into choosing to pray with thanksgiving . We can be thankful that God sees, He knows, He is working it all out. He can be trusted. We can choose to think about what is true, right and praise worthy and be grateful, completely GRATEFUL, that the God of all creation is the One who is weaving our beautiful life tapestry together. He knows how every thread of circumstance, good and not so good, works together for our eternal good and He knows the stunningly, lovely, finished tapestry that will bring Him the most glory. But, God! The Great Artist. The Master Weaver. The Giver of every good and perfect gift. Even when we don’t see them that way. Even when the good and perfect gift is a closed door and another no.

So, back to that season. I began to choose to thank God for every closed door, every no that my daughter received. And the car stuff? What was good in that? She miraculously wasn’t injured. Thank you, Jesus! The other people involved had no injuries, either. Praise God! Kind people were involved at every turn, even offering to secure an interview for her in place of the one she had missed. Thank you, God, for the kindness of others! It was a choice to look for what was good and praise worthy and to think on those things. Now, let’s be real here. There were tears and feelings of being overwhelmed in all of these situations on my end. I’m human. This is life. Life can be crazy. But choosing to intentionally shift to a grateful heart led me to that peace that began to guard my heart and mind. That peace that passes understanding. That peace that is explained in one word. JESUS. The One and only peace giver. The One I can trust with all of life’s yes’s and no’s, the good and not so good. Being grateful for things not shaking out kept me from the pit of woes and despair. Mind you, I sometimes had to repeat “I trust you, Jesus” over and over until the words shattered the doubt that would try to sneak in.

My daughter has since received some yes’s. Doors opened by God’s hand and we are all so grateful and giving God the glory. But what I find myself the most grateful for is what God accomplished in each of our lives. Learning that we can have joy and peace in the hard season. Learning to trust Him and His unchanging love for us in deeper ways. Learning to be intentional with our gratefulness. Learning to persevere in prayer when we feel like giving up hope. You know, the lasting and eternal things. The things that only point to Jesus. Lean in for this. Hear it in your head and your heart. If you are in the middle of icky, negative thoughts of why me, if only, and despairing why nots, then begin to read and meditate on Philippians 4:6-8. Choose to turn every worry into praying with a grateful heart. Grateful that God is good and can be fully trusted. Choose to think on what is good, right and true. Choose to trust God with every no and even dare to thank Him. That’s right. Thank Him for His sovereign no’s. Because God knows what your completed life tapestry will look like. And trust me, we will be grateful He was the one weaving it and working the threads for our good and His glory and not us. What a tangled ball of thread we would surely weave.

A grateful heart? It’s a great place to start!!

Well, here’s my pet peeve:  When people say “Your kids are so good.  You are SO LUCKY!”  Wait…what???  LUCKY?  Luck has absolutely nothing to do with it!  By saying I’m lucky, you are completely discounting my children’s hard work, discipline, mistakes and lessons learned.  You are saying that it’s just luck of the draw if a child is respectful and kind or when a child grows up into a respectable, hardworking adult. You are belittling my prayers and tears during the hard times of raising a child.

I am not a perfect parent.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  I do have great kids, all 4 of them, who are not perfect either.  Believe me…I have had doors slammed, eyes rolled, smart-assery given, temper tantrums thrown in the cereal aisle at Kroger.  I have been lied to and found things I wish I hadn’t.  I have cried many tears behind closed doors.  This was as recently as this weekend, my friends.  Parenting is a never ending job.  It’s hard, and luck doesn’t even play into it.  It’s so many prayers, and discussions, books read, trial and error and tears.  So many tears.

But, I believe they have all grown into amazing young adults because of a few key things their dad and I committed to while raising them:

• Have a united front.  We ALWAYS supported each other’s discipline in front of our kids.  Even if we didn’t agree with the discipline, we would talk about it in private and figure out how to address it the next time.  If you argue with your spouse in front of your kids about discipline, the kids will know they can work you against each other.
• Find their pain point and don’t threaten anything you won’t go through with. Y’all…don’t threaten to throw the iPad out the window, unless you are willing to throw the iPad out the window!  Hollow threats are worthless.  One of my sons loved to be outside, digging in the dirt, climbing trees, catching snakes.  All it took was one time of not allowing him to go outside, and his behavior was corrected.  I never had to do it again.  That was his pain point.
• Please, I beg of you…do not count to 3! If it’s not acceptable behavior at 3, it’s not at 1.  Stop the insanity!
• Respect your child – I always say please and thank you to my children. You must give respect to get respect.
• Do all of the above EARLY in their life, before they are 5! Then the discipline turns to training and coaching, because they know the consequences of their actions.

None of these things are easy.  When you are going through it, you certainly don’t feel lucky.  But these tips worked for us.  I have 4 kids, who love and respect me, who are genuinely good people.   Have they slipped up, made mistakes even as young adults? Of course, they are human and we are all flawed!  But it’s ok, because I know their foundation is solid.  And, that makes all the “luck” worth it!

What is your pet peeve or even better, what was your parenting “hack” for raising great kids? Comment below!

My inaugural Rock Star Empty Nester post is about my good friend Cheri and her husband Greg.  Cheri and I go back about 11 years, when our kids were competitive cheerleaders together.  Like many other competitive travel sports, you become extremely close with the other families on the team.  We spent hours upon hours together in the gym, carpooled together, celebrated wins and cried over losses.  I love so many things about this family!  In the 11 years I have known them, they have overcome difficult obstacles with grace, persistence, humility and class.  Together we have had game nights and bar-b-ques, days on the lake and nights around a bonfire.  They were one of my biggest support systems when my children’s dad died in 2010.  To say I love them with all my heart is an understatement.

Between the two of them, Cheri and Greg have 5 kids (his (2), hers (1) and theirs (2)), ranging in age from 20 to 42!  All 5 of these grown children are amazing in their own right.  If you have more than one child, you know how different each one can be.  Their kids range in personality from strong willed and big hearted, resourceful, socially aware, creative, compassionate, conservative and goal oriented.  Cheri and Greg are also grandparents 4 times over. 

Greg & Cheri have been empty nesters for almost 3 years now, and prior to that their lives were filled with work, kids, and competitive cheer.  With two kids in this demanding sport, most of their extra time and money went to support this lifestyle.  Vacations were in Atlanta, Dallas, Orlando and back to Orlando, where the largest cheer competitions of the country are held.  Seriously people…we’ve been to Disney World so many times, I should have frequent flyer miles.

Cheri and Greg’s adjustment to their new lifestyle is quite frankly, admirable.  They had only ever been married with kids in the home.  Of the 26 years they have been married, 23 were with AT LEAST 2 children living under the roof full time, most of the time more!  So being home with no planned events, or kid’s activities or responsibility, you would think owning their own calendar would be a bit of an adjustment, but Cheri admits that it was so easy to start prioritizing herself!  

I LOVE THAT!  Let’s all be like Cheri!

Besides just being awesome humans, here’s why I think Cheri & Greg are Rock Star Empty Nesters:  They love to travel, and have recently purchased a 5^th wheel to spend long weekends camping or more aptly “glamping”.  For over 10 years, they have talked about this great camping adventure and recently took the plunge and purchased a gorgeous camper.  They have gone on several weekend trips and just got back from a week long trip to Florida.  They will be retiring soon-ish and plan to check things off their bucket list, see the country and supplement their income as Workampers! (I bet I just introduced you to a new word, didn’t I?)  Workampers are full or part time paid (or volunteer) workers with RV or tent camping.  This can be at state or national parts, RV resorts or a variety of other facilities. Their contracts at each location can last anywhere from a month to a season, with some even being year round.  

Cheri and Greg have decided after 26 years, they really do like each other and can’t wait to see the country together on their schedule, bringing their home with them.  Right now, they are testing out this lifestyle with traveling primarily in the southeast, but the Grand Canyon and traveling west is on their bucket list, along with perhaps a seasonal stint at Disney World. 

I am excited to watch as they turn the page to this new chapter in their life!

Now, my babies are actual adults and I am in unfamiliar territory again.  And what I really want to know is….WHERE IN THE WORLD is the book “What to Expect When You Were Expecting 18 Years Ago”?  In my opinion, THIS would be a best seller.

Here are some chapter titles and summaries I would have liked expert opinions and forewarning on:

Expect Your House to Actually GROW:  Ten years ago, when I would have had 4 kids still at home (ages 8, 9, 14, 17), my house was bursting at the seams and every single space was being used.  I don’t live in a mansion by any means, it’s a typical suburban home, 5 bedrooms, 3 stories, and finished basement.  It’s no slouch.  But, EVERY SINGLE SPACE was being used, or crammed with toys, school papers or sweaty gym clothes.  Shoes…so.many.shoes.  Everywhere!  Ten years ago, I would have coveted more square footage.  Now my house actually has rooms that go UNUSED for weeks, even MONTHS.  And, a little advanced warning that this would happen would have been nice.  And, how about some advice on how to navigate the emotional turmoil of being sad that the rooms aren’t filled, yet happy at the same time.  And don’t forget a little bit of guilt thrown in for being happy.

Expect Days to Actually GROW:  Ahhh…I remember the days when I wished for just 1 more hour in my day to read a little, get some extra sleep, take a shower, brush my teeth, drink wine.  Well, now it seems my wish has come true.  God actually started prepping me for this when my kids started driving and all that time I spent in the car driving to practices, school and social events and jobs was erased.  I should have clued in then, that I needed to fill my time.  But alas, I didn’t.   No longer are my days filled with kids activities, never ending household chores, cooking and feeding a houseful of people who all need to eat at different times.  My days are now (mostly) MINE!  Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?  And, honestly, it is.  The thing is…I don’t know how to fill those hours.  I have known for about 2 years that I needed a game plan.  I needed to figure out how I was going to take those extra hours in the day and turn them into happy, joyful productive and fun hours.  But, I was still caught off guard.  Ladies, I really need this book!

Expect to Feel all the Feels:  Sometimes I feel like a teenager again with all of these uncontrollable feelings creeping up on me at strange and inappropriate times.  Some of the feels I would have loved to been advised about:

Full of Pride & Joy – I raised my kids, they are still alive, I didn’t kill them and they are amazing humans.

Anxiety – Oh my gosh, are my kids safe?  Are they sleeping enough? Eating healthy meals?  Why are they calling me?  They never call me. They only ever text me.  Did they have a car accident?  Fail a test?  Have a fight with their roommate?  I better answer the phone.

Sadness – Obvs.  Mourning the crazy chaotic life I used to have.

Happiness – Glad my life is not crazy chaotic anymore.

Loneliness – This is real sisters, I miss my kids.  But also at the same time to my kids, “go away and have fun and figure out your future”.

Excitement – This is real too.  It’s exciting to figure out what’s next…who am I to become now?

Fear – “Oh my gosh..who am I to become now?”

So, here I am in my too big house, with all this time on my hands and all these feeling.  It’s never too late, and I am certainly not too old to redesign my life and reinvent myself.  I don’t have all the answers, and I probably never will, but I’m jumping off the cliff and will figure it all out on my way down!

I’d love to know what you are doing at this stage of your life to fill your time and your house and figure out what your new normal, sans kids at home, looks like.  Comment below with any great ideas or tips you have!

As you can see, all different, all at different stages of their lives, but I think these pearls of wisdom from my heart are applicable to all my kids, regardless of age, marital or career status. 

• I trust the decisions you make about your life.  If you want to change schools, quit school, change majors, change careers, move across the county, start relationships, end relationships, buy a house, live in an RV and travel around the country, I trust that you will make a decision that is right for you!  Your dad and I worked hard to lay a foundation of passion, discernment, and confidence in you, and I believe we have.  I know you do not take these decisions lightly, and I will always be here to help you talk through the decisions, big or small.  But, I will never try to sway you or convince you of a certain choice.  I trust you.  You have the maturity and intelligence to make a decision and stand by that decision. 

• I will always be here for you.  Whether the decisions you make in your life are a great success or don’t pan out the way you had hoped, I will always be here for you. A celebration, a party, a toast with a cold beer, I will be here.  A shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, an advisor, or just a quiet place to rest, I will be here.  I won’t try to claim credit, or dampen your spirit.  I won’t fix it, or fix you, or fix your situation.  That’s up to you.  But, I will be here for you. 

• Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.   I have heard this multiple times, and not sure the original source, but I love this quote!  And, this is one I struggle with on a personal level daily and continually work on, but making decisions about your life based on the opinion of other people is crazy.  I made college major decisions, career decisions, and major life decisions with other people’s opinions in mind.  What the heck was wrong with me?!  Don’t be like me.  You are the only one who lives with the successes and failures of your decisions, so you are the only one whose opinion should matter! (Unless of course you have a spouse.  Include them!) And, that goes for me too!  My opinion, when it is all said and done, doesn’t matter. This is YOUR life! See also #1 above. 

• Collect experiences, not “things”. You all have adventurous spirits, so I don’t think this will be a challenge, but don’t get comfortable in your little bubble.  Stretch yourself, see new cultures, have a beer in every state and country you visit.  Make travel goals, save for trips, do your research, go alone, with your spouse, with your kids.  See the world, hang out in your backyard.  Go on picnics and go on fancy dinners.  Take a bike ride through your neighborhood and take naps in a hammock on the beach.  Go to Disney World and camp in the Black Hills in South Dakota.  You will never be disappointed by these experiences you create for you and your family. 

• I will always cry. You already know this about me, and it will never change.  I cry when I read the Mother’s Day and Birthday cards you give me, I cry when you graduate, or do something awesome.  I cry when you are hurt or sad. I cry when you are happy. I will always cry when you leave this house, whether you are leaving to go on spring break or moving across the country and I won’t see you for months.  But, you need to know, I’m not crying because I’m sad.  I’m crying because my love for you and my pride in the men and women you have become is so overwhelming, it tumbles out of my heart and through my eyes.

I know I keep acting like I am an empty nester, when I really do have one child still at home, and you may be thinking, ”she’s just a poser”. Well, that is true. My youngest son is still home. But, he attends community college for both high school and college credits, and he works about 30 hours a week, mostly weekends. So, in reality, I rarely ever see him. And, let’s face it, he’s a boy. Boys don’t need their mamas the way girls do.

And, I know when he really does leave, I want to be prepared. I don’t want to be one of those moms who was totally unprepared for the empty house, the sadness and most specifically the lack of purpose. Throughout most of my life, I knew my purpose; child, student and kick-ass business woman. Before kids, I had a pretty impressive career, and I loved it! I worked for a large data processing company, doing everything from business analyst, to COBOL programmer (totally dated myself there!), to systems engineer manager. I wore suits to work every day, led people and managed a P&L. It’s what I went to school for, and moved half way across the country for. Then, after about 8 years, and 2 kids, I knew that wasn’t how I was supposed to be spending my days. I knew, when I pulled into the parking lot of my building and cried for 10 minutes before heading into my office, this was not the calling God had for me in this season. This was not supposed to be my life at that time.

I wasn’t giving work what it needed, and I wasn’t giving my family what they needed. I wasn’t showing up right for anyone in my life. It was time to make a change. Oh my gosh! Do I admire those women who can do both! They are the heroes to me! To find passion in their work and come home and show up for their kids and spouse. I wanted so bad to be that woman. But, it wasn’t in me. Work did not give me joy anymore. I was so exhausted when I got home, I couldn’t find joy in the mom part either. And, the wife part…take a number hon, I’ll get to you when I can. So, after a review of our finances, we figured out we could make it work for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Guys, in my wildest dreams I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. Y’all, I’m a Type 3 on the Enneagram; The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious. Staying home, volunteering and keeping house was NOT how I envisioned my life when I was 10, 18, or 23 years old. But, when I was 31 that was EXACTLY what I was supposed to be doing. And, for 19 years, that’s what I did. THAT was my purpose. And, I don’t regret it for a single moment. The most joyous memories of my life were during those 19 years.

But that season of my life is quickly changing, and here I am, on the verge of this new chapter trying to figure out my new purpose and new joys in my life. I have many friends who have blazed this trail for me, and I admire them so much! I have a friend who went back to her passion of singing and acting, which she put on hold with kids at home, and now she participates in local theater. I have another friend who is competing in triathlons. This will never be me, but so impressed by her! I have another who spends her time traveling all over the world with her husband, and I can’t wait for her Instagram posts to see where she is off to next.

Me…I’m still figuring that out. In the meantime, I will just work on being a better me and showing up for me. For so many years, my identity was wrapped up in others and their needs. I was so great at being a martyr and putting myself last. Actually, I probably could have won an award for it. “Look what a great mom, wife, volunteer I am, I will put all of you first and ignore myself.” Who did that actually serve? What example was that for my children, specifically my girls? Well, I can’t go back and change that Susan, but the great thing is, it’s never too late to make a change. And, this season, it’s all about me, so hop on board or get left behind! I know…so cliché, but if the cliché fits…

What are you doing to rekindle a passion or figure out your new purpose?