Dear Brad,

It’s been ten years. The sound of your voice, your scent, your touch is no longer easily recalled in my memory. Your name on my lips is no longer familiar. On August 15, 2020 it will be ten years since you left this earth. Ten years since you took your own life. You left our four children fatherless and me to raise them without you. I was so mad at you. How could you do this to us? What will I say to our children? How do I do this life without you? I was so mad I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I needed to stay here and begin to clean up this mess of a life you left me.

But I did go to the hospital. And I was grateful to be there when you took your final breath, when the pain you were feeling finally left. And then all I felt was sorrow. Sorrow for the life taken too soon and the pain I did not understand. The pain I did not know how to relieve.

And, how much pain you must have felt to take your life. You were charismatic, fun-loving, intelligent, and kind. Even through the pain, we never knew how much you were suffering. The world lost a remarkable man that day. The world is less than, without you. I wish I had known the extent of the suffering you were experiencing. I wish I had been more observant, more knowledgeable, more empathetic, less selfish. I wish so many things.

Although all five of us are thriving ten years later, we would rather have you here on this earth. We would give everything up for more time with you.

I wish you would have gotten help. I wish you had gone to the doctor, talked to someone. I wish you were here for Zach’s wedding and the birth of your first grandchild and to see what a successful businessman he has become. I wish you could have been at Zoe’s graduation from Physical Therapy school, met her husband, walked her down the aisle at her wedding, and seen what a difference she is making in the lives of others. I wish you could feel the pride I felt when Zia received acceptance letters and scholarships to so many colleges, became the president of her sorority and seen the truly kind and compassionate heart she has for the marginalized. I wish you could have been to Zane’s high school graduation, moved him into his college dorm and seen what a kind, hard working, and respectful young man he has become and the future that awaits him.

I know you would be proud of the lives we are leading and the legacies we are building.  It has been hard fought. It has not been easy without you. The easy thing would have been to use your tragic death as an excuse. An excuse to not build productive meaningful lives. An excuse to be self-destructive. But each of us have overcome our own unique obstacles to be a difference maker in our chosen path. Parenting without you has been so hard, and I have made some mistakes. But together we laid a foundation that I have tried to build on. And the proof of that is our kids … they are incredible.

The upcoming days to the anniversary of your death have been difficult for me. As I move into this new stage of life as an empty nester without you, it’s hard not to remember the hopes and dreams we had for our life together. You were a dreamer, I am a realist. We always landed somewhere in the middle. It was a good thing. I miss that.

As a family, we will continue to honor you and your legacy through our work and our lives. You taught me so much in life and in death. You taught me to be more spontaneous and everything doesn’t need to be planned out. You showed me how to be a friend, because you never met a stranger. This was evident at your memorial service when there was standing room only. You taught me how to work hard and play hard, because that’s how you lived your life. In death you showed me how strong I can be. You taught me how to forgive … forgive others and myself.

You are missed.

Until I see you again …

Love, Susan

My hope is that our story can help at least one family not experience the grief of losing a loved one through suicide.

If you are having suicidal feelings, please get help. Please talk to someone. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

• YOU are worthy.
• The world needs YOU.
• Your family and friends are NOT better off without you.
• You are valuable and worth getting and receiving help.
• You are loved.

If you know someone who might be having suicidal thoughts, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are 5 steps you can take to #BeThe1To help someone in emotional pain:

1. ASK: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It’s not an easy question but studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they are suicidal does not increase suicides or suicidal thoughts.
2. KEEP THEM SAFE: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. While this is not always easy, asking if the at-risk person has a plan and removing or disabling the lethal means can make a difference.
3. BE THERE: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Research suggests acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce rather than increase suicidal thoughts
4. HELP THEM CONNECT: Save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s number in your phone so it’s there when you need it: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also help make a connection with a trusted individual like a family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
5. STAY CONNECTED: Staying in touch after a crisis or after being discharged from care can make a difference. Studies have shown the number of suicide deaths goes down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.

Download #BeThe1To Flyer

Now, my babies are actual adults and I am in unfamiliar territory again.  And what I really want to know is….WHERE IN THE WORLD is the book “What to Expect When You Were Expecting 18 Years Ago”?  In my opinion, THIS would be a best seller.

Here are some chapter titles and summaries I would have liked expert opinions and forewarning on:

Expect Your House to Actually GROW:  Ten years ago, when I would have had 4 kids still at home (ages 8, 9, 14, 17), my house was bursting at the seams and every single space was being used.  I don’t live in a mansion by any means, it’s a typical suburban home, 5 bedrooms, 3 stories, and finished basement.  It’s no slouch.  But, EVERY SINGLE SPACE was being used, or crammed with toys, school papers or sweaty gym clothes.  Shoes…so.many.shoes.  Everywhere!  Ten years ago, I would have coveted more square footage.  Now my house actually has rooms that go UNUSED for weeks, even MONTHS.  And, a little advanced warning that this would happen would have been nice.  And, how about some advice on how to navigate the emotional turmoil of being sad that the rooms aren’t filled, yet happy at the same time.  And don’t forget a little bit of guilt thrown in for being happy.

Expect Days to Actually GROW:  Ahhh…I remember the days when I wished for just 1 more hour in my day to read a little, get some extra sleep, take a shower, brush my teeth, drink wine.  Well, now it seems my wish has come true.  God actually started prepping me for this when my kids started driving and all that time I spent in the car driving to practices, school and social events and jobs was erased.  I should have clued in then, that I needed to fill my time.  But alas, I didn’t.   No longer are my days filled with kids activities, never ending household chores, cooking and feeding a houseful of people who all need to eat at different times.  My days are now (mostly) MINE!  Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?  And, honestly, it is.  The thing is…I don’t know how to fill those hours.  I have known for about 2 years that I needed a game plan.  I needed to figure out how I was going to take those extra hours in the day and turn them into happy, joyful productive and fun hours.  But, I was still caught off guard.  Ladies, I really need this book!

Expect to Feel all the Feels:  Sometimes I feel like a teenager again with all of these uncontrollable feelings creeping up on me at strange and inappropriate times.  Some of the feels I would have loved to been advised about:

Full of Pride & Joy – I raised my kids, they are still alive, I didn’t kill them and they are amazing humans.

Anxiety – Oh my gosh, are my kids safe?  Are they sleeping enough? Eating healthy meals?  Why are they calling me?  They never call me. They only ever text me.  Did they have a car accident?  Fail a test?  Have a fight with their roommate?  I better answer the phone.

Sadness – Obvs.  Mourning the crazy chaotic life I used to have.

Happiness – Glad my life is not crazy chaotic anymore.

Loneliness – This is real sisters, I miss my kids.  But also at the same time to my kids, “go away and have fun and figure out your future”.

Excitement – This is real too.  It’s exciting to figure out what’s next…who am I to become now?

Fear – “Oh my gosh..who am I to become now?”

So, here I am in my too big house, with all this time on my hands and all these feeling.  It’s never too late, and I am certainly not too old to redesign my life and reinvent myself.  I don’t have all the answers, and I probably never will, but I’m jumping off the cliff and will figure it all out on my way down!

I’d love to know what you are doing at this stage of your life to fill your time and your house and figure out what your new normal, sans kids at home, looks like.  Comment below with any great ideas or tips you have!

I know I keep acting like I am an empty nester, when I really do have one child still at home, and you may be thinking, ”she’s just a poser”. Well, that is true. My youngest son is still home. But, he attends community college for both high school and college credits, and he works about 30 hours a week, mostly weekends. So, in reality, I rarely ever see him. And, let’s face it, he’s a boy. Boys don’t need their mamas the way girls do.

And, I know when he really does leave, I want to be prepared. I don’t want to be one of those moms who was totally unprepared for the empty house, the sadness and most specifically the lack of purpose. Throughout most of my life, I knew my purpose; child, student and kick-ass business woman. Before kids, I had a pretty impressive career, and I loved it! I worked for a large data processing company, doing everything from business analyst, to COBOL programmer (totally dated myself there!), to systems engineer manager. I wore suits to work every day, led people and managed a P&L. It’s what I went to school for, and moved half way across the country for. Then, after about 8 years, and 2 kids, I knew that wasn’t how I was supposed to be spending my days. I knew, when I pulled into the parking lot of my building and cried for 10 minutes before heading into my office, this was not the calling God had for me in this season. This was not supposed to be my life at that time.

I wasn’t giving work what it needed, and I wasn’t giving my family what they needed. I wasn’t showing up right for anyone in my life. It was time to make a change. Oh my gosh! Do I admire those women who can do both! They are the heroes to me! To find passion in their work and come home and show up for their kids and spouse. I wanted so bad to be that woman. But, it wasn’t in me. Work did not give me joy anymore. I was so exhausted when I got home, I couldn’t find joy in the mom part either. And, the wife part…take a number hon, I’ll get to you when I can. So, after a review of our finances, we figured out we could make it work for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Guys, in my wildest dreams I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. Y’all, I’m a Type 3 on the Enneagram; The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious. Staying home, volunteering and keeping house was NOT how I envisioned my life when I was 10, 18, or 23 years old. But, when I was 31 that was EXACTLY what I was supposed to be doing. And, for 19 years, that’s what I did. THAT was my purpose. And, I don’t regret it for a single moment. The most joyous memories of my life were during those 19 years.

But that season of my life is quickly changing, and here I am, on the verge of this new chapter trying to figure out my new purpose and new joys in my life. I have many friends who have blazed this trail for me, and I admire them so much! I have a friend who went back to her passion of singing and acting, which she put on hold with kids at home, and now she participates in local theater. I have another friend who is competing in triathlons. This will never be me, but so impressed by her! I have another who spends her time traveling all over the world with her husband, and I can’t wait for her Instagram posts to see where she is off to next.

Me…I’m still figuring that out. In the meantime, I will just work on being a better me and showing up for me. For so many years, my identity was wrapped up in others and their needs. I was so great at being a martyr and putting myself last. Actually, I probably could have won an award for it. “Look what a great mom, wife, volunteer I am, I will put all of you first and ignore myself.” Who did that actually serve? What example was that for my children, specifically my girls? Well, I can’t go back and change that Susan, but the great thing is, it’s never too late to make a change. And, this season, it’s all about me, so hop on board or get left behind! I know…so cliché, but if the cliché fits…

What are you doing to rekindle a passion or figure out your new purpose?