My Next Chapter Best Chapter Road Trip officially ended 75 days ago, and you are finally seeing this last blog post! Why is that? I’ve told myself a lot of excuses about why I couldn’t complete this article, but it’s simply because I wasn’t ready to close that chapter of my life.  After several years of living a very mediocre and unfulfilling life, I was actually LIVING MY DREAM LIFE. I wasn’t ready for it to end. I struggled when I first got back to Georgia. I had been on the road longer than I had lived in my new home. I had been on the road longer than I had been divorced, up to that point. I believed I had more to learn about myself and heal that could only be done on that road trip. I struggled with a little bit of sorrow and sadness that it was over.

What I am now realizing, 75 days later, is that in order to truly move on to the next part of my life, I must move forward, and close out the last chapter. So, while it’s taken me a while, I do see that God has great things in store for me, if only I would move on, and listen. And that while the actual road trip is over, my dream life is still continuing. It just looks a little bit different. I am still getting up every day, excited for what this new life will bring and what God has in store for me. I am still learning things about myself and healing parts of me that need to be healed. I have even traveled to several places, and I have some exciting trips and events planned in the upcoming months. I have done a good job of maintaining the connections I made on the trip. I am listening to my intuition (or the Holy Spirit) and following through on those nudges.

I am finally ready to close the Next Chapter Best Chapter Road Trip chapter! I hope you enjoyed following along on my road trip. I hope you were inspired in some way by my journey. I hope you made a new decision, connected with an old friend, repaired a broken relationship, traveled someplace new, or added to your bucket list. If my trip did inspire you, I’d love for you to send me a private message and let me know about it!

Here are the final statistics from my trip and the lessons I learned along the way:

11,561 miles, 122 days, and 256 hours = so much time alone, and plenty of time thinking about my life. I learned several lessons along the way:

• I am pretty good company if I do say so myself.
• Mowgli is a great travel buddy and I was so grateful to have him with me!
• Friends and family are truly the most important things in my life. I’m working on being intentional to maintain and cultivate those relationships.
• It’s so important to listen to my intuition or nudges from the Holy Spirit. I worked with an insightful, caring Christian shaman for a month of this trip (yes, I know I’m hippie dippy), and we talked about a lot of things, one of them is listening and looking for signs from the Holy Spirit. I was the queen of shoving those messages aside and listening to myself rather than God. And we all know how that turns out.
• I really love being outside and I especially love hiking!
• When I stay true to my core values and begin to take action (even when it’s sad or hard), God will bless those actions, He will open doors for me, and give me hope.
• I am now a “hat person”!
• My bucket list will never be complete. There will always be more I want to see, do, experience, and most importantly, be!

I LOVED having you along for the ride! Thank you for all the encouraging messages, travel advice, and love! It meant the world to me!  

Stay tuned for the Next Chapter of Susan 2.0.

Highlights from the last 40 days of my Next Chapter Best Chapter Road Trip:

Holy Guacamole! I’ve been on the road for FIFTY DAYS!!! For those of you who are new to this blog, I am a recently divorced empty-nester and on March 5, 2022, I loaded up my car and my dog and started a 4-month journey. I am touring the United States, visiting family and friends and seeing all the sights. I will be touring 5 of the 6 U.S. states I have never visited. And even more importantly, I am going on an adventure of self-discovery – my own little Eat, Pray, Love journey.

Here are a few updates to the statistics I am tracking:

• 4681 miles driven
• 103 hours in my Bronco
• 11 states I have traveled through (Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, Utah)
• $5.70 highest gas price I have paid on 3/18/22 in Banning, California
• 6 hikes – some were death marches (Chelsey)
• 5 Friends and family homes I have stayed in
• 4 National Parks visited (Petrified Forest, Sedona, Joshua Tree, Zion)
• 2 Airbnbs stayed in
• 2 new tattoos

If you have been following along, you know that on my 56th birthday, I created a 56 item Road Trip Bucket list to complete during my travels. I’ve been crossing off items as I go, 16 to be exact! Many of the items are specifically for when I begin visiting states I’ve never been to, which will be mid-May. Check out my list and the current status. NOTE: The one-night stand was a joke, but it’s been a hot minute, and crazily, many of you are in favor of that item being checked off! So, time will tell if that happens!

Here’s a list of my recent check-offs:

1. Go to Disneyland
2. Try surfing
3. Eat something I’ve never eaten – Nilgai cheeseburger
4. Listened to the entire #EnneaSummer2021 podcast series
5. Swim in the Pacific Ocean
6. Exercise at the beach
7. Receive a ticket or violation

Besides working my full-time job and my side hustles, I’ve also done a ton of fun things not on my Bucket List since my last blog post. (Follow along on Instagram and Facebook for real-time updates on my stories)

Highlights over the last 20 days:

• Spent two weeks in Redondo Beach with my brother and his sweet family doing all the things, but mostly just loving being a part of their daily family life!
• Amazing farmer’s markets with exotic products we don’t see in Georgia
• Macrame with my oldest niece
• Dog walking with my youngest niece
• Learning mad video skillz from my nephew
• Early morning chats with my brother over his gourmet coffee
• Daytime chats and walks with my sister-in-law
• Being the 3rd wheel on their weekly date night
• Heartfelt conversation over dinner with Doreen, my sorority sister, who I hadn’t seen since 1988
• Lunch and inspiring and hopeful conversation with Dawn, my childhood best friend, who I hadn’t seen since 1980
• Driving by my childhood home
• Lunch with my older brother and sister-in-law in Las Vegas
• Visited Zion National Park on my way to Salt Lake City
• Cocktails and crafts with Zoe
• Hauling Mowgli up 3 flights of stairs, 4 times a day
• Heather McMahan Farewell Tour in downtown SLC
• Hikes and walks with Zoe, Hutton, Van & Mowgli

I am spending time on this trip reflecting and doing hard inner work. It goes against my nature to look too deep into my emotions and my past. I am the queen of pushing through and shoving things down because that’s safe for me. It’s hard to do on your own, so next week I begin working with a spiritual mentor to help me with some of the things blocking me from living the life God intends for me. So stay tuned friends! It’s about to get REAL!

Now, on to the little series, I am calling:

What would 56-year-old Susan tell “then” Susan?
Chapter 3: What would 56-year-old Susan tell 23-year-old Susan?

(Read the last two posts for advice I would give 13-year-old and 18-year-old Susie.)

Let me set the stage for you: I have just graduated from the University of South Dakota with my MBA. I went straight to graduate school because I had a lot of fun in undergrad. A 3.2 GPA in business administration in 1988 would have landed me an assistant manager job at Foot Locker. That didn’t sound fun. I knew I could do better. I committed to kicking ass. So I did. Upon graduation, I interviewed at companies in South Dakota and Nebraska, but I was ready to get the heck out of dodge. So, I accepted a position that moved me to Detroit, MI. I happily hitched my hunter-green Chevy Citation to the back of a Ryder Truck and moved myself to The Motor City.

Throwback to Detroit, 1989-1990

I look back at this time of my life and I admire this Susan. She was a total badass. She was living her best life.

Here’s what I would tell that young lady:

I’m proud of you for taking that job and making that move. It was bold, courageous, and helped you grow into the woman you are now. You will look back on this time in your life and it will give you courage and boldness you will need to draw on in the future.

You will work hard. You will play harder! That is a good thing. Make sure you do that. You can sleep later.

Work is important, but not more important than relationships. Pay attention to the friends you make during this time and the relationships you are building. If they mean something to you, don’t let them go. You don’t want to look back 30 years and wish you had maintained those relationships.

You didn’t have to change your name from Susie to Susan because you thought it was more “business-like.” Who cares what people think of your name? There were many strong and amazing things you accomplished as Susie. Susie may seem like a little girl’s name, but for you, it was powerful.

What would you tell your 23-year-old self?

Highlights from the last 10 days of my Next Chapter Best Chapter Road Trip

If you have been following along, you know my first 3 weeks were a whirlwind of driving, visiting, hiking, working, touristing (I made that word up!). These last 10 days have been a much-needed time of rest and routine. I have spent the last 16 days at my older brother’s home, where he has graciously allowed my youngest daughter to live while she is in graduate school and working. He and his family do not live here full time, so it has just been me and Zia here. He has a beautiful home, in a beautiful city. We did some fun things like visiting Joshua Tree, Ocean Beach dog beach, the Flower Fields in Carlsbad, and the tide pools at Point Loma. We dressed up and went to a candlelight tribute to Taylor Swift by a string quartet. We have had great meals and enjoyed the amazing views San Diego offers. But what I have loved the most is spending time with my daughter on just “regular” days. It’s so fun to just “be” with your grown children when it’s not a holiday or event, and you get to see them in their normal day-to-day activities. We both worked full-time during my stay, and she has also gone to class. I have been able to experience her life alongside her. I met many of her closest friends, and it gave me comfort knowing that she has people looking out for her in this new life she is building across the country. I also had some quality alone time with myself. I am working on loving my own company, and so far, I haven’t annoyed myself too much yet!

Today, Mowgli and I will be leaving San Diego and heading up to visit with my younger brother, his wife, and their three kids. They also live in a beautiful home, in a beautiful city, with amazing views. I am looking forward to walking Mowgli with an ocean view every morning. But, again, what I am most excited about is getting to know my brother, sister-in-law, and their 3 kiddos on a deeper level. I left for college out of state when my brother was in second grade, and we have never lived in the same state since then. The times we have been together since then have been holidays and busy times where it’s hard to get to know people. So, I’m pumped to help with morning routines, be at their house when the kids get home from school, and hopefully just blend into their lives for the next 12 days. Yep – they are saints for letting me be a guest that long!

Now, on to the little series I am calling:

What would 56-year-old Susan tell “then” Susan?

Chapter 2: What would 56-year-old Susan tell 18-year-old Susie?

NOTE: If you didn’t read about 13-year-old Susie, you may want to jump back to the previous post.

NOTE AGAIN: I am not one to live in regret, and I do understand that every part of my previous life has led me to this part of my life. Let me be clear, I don’t wish for my past to be erased or changed. This is “therapy” for me as I look back on the pivotal moments of my life and try to learn from and lean into my past experiences as I move into my new chapter.

1984 – Let me set the stage for you.
Eighteen-year-old me could not wait to leave Nebraska. My whole high school career was based on that one objective – going to college in a different state. I did apply to the University of Nebraska, for college, but that was my backup, to the backup, to the backup school. It wasn’t that I thought I was too good for Nebraska, I just wanted new adventures. I wanted to meet new people, and do new things. I was raised by parents who left home and moved to new, faraway places. And that is how I was raised. It was expected that we would leave home and go far, far away…and don’t forget to take your lunch. See you at Christmas break.

With those things in mind, here are a few things 56-year-old me would tell 18-year-old Susie:

The next 5 years are going to be full of decision-making. You are good at making fast decisions and making them work. But, there is nothing wrong with taking time when thinking about big decisions. Not all decisions need to be made quickly.

Adventure is good. Running is not good. You will not be a new person just because you move to a new place.

Slow down. You don’t have to always be achieving or checking things off your to-do list.

What do you want? Think about that. Don’t think about what you think other people want. Don’t think about what you “should” do.

Boys are great. Girlfriends are better. Stay in touch with your friends, and don’t let life get in the way. You will have FOMO when you are 50 years old and see your college friends getting together and you aren’t part of that.

The Freshman 15 is legit. But it’s ok. You will lose it. Drink the beer, and eat the pizza. It’s all part of the experience.

What advice would you give your 18-year-old self?

If you don’t already, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. I am posting daily on my stories of all my adventures! Here are a few highlights from the last 10 days!

Let’s first look at my current road trip statistics:

As you can see, these first 20 days have been a whirlwind.

I am grateful that the pace has settled down and I am finding my routine and my rhythm. If you know me, you know I operate best when I have a routine and know what to expect! I’ll be at my current location in San Diego for the next 10 days or so, and it’s given me an opportunity to get settled, focus on work, and some of my intentions for this trip.

When I came up with this hair-brained idea back in the fall, it originated out of a desire to complete my bucket list item of visiting all 50 states. But as my divorce was finalized, I knew I needed it to be more than that. I needed to figure out who I am now, in this phase of my life. In my previous phases of life, I was a student, an employee, a wife, a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a single mom, a remarried woman with a very dysfunctional blended family, an unhappily married empty nester, and now a happy and single empty nester.

Part of figuring out who I am now, what I want out of my life, is reflecting on those past stages of my life. What caused me joy and led to a healthy relationship with myself and others? What caused me stress and pain and led to an unhealthy relationship with myself and others? 

I’m not one to live a life of regret. I 100% believe that every decision I made in my life was the best decision I could have made based on the information I had and the frame of mind I was in at the time. And, I love my life. Even the sadness, missteps, and tragedies. They have made me who I am today. However, I am grateful that as the years have gone on, I have become so much more self-aware and cognizant of why I react the way I do to situations and people. I am grateful I am growing as a person both in understanding myself and others around me. But I do feel like if I had a little more wisdom I may have made different decisions.

So, I’m starting a little series called,

What would 56-year-old Susan tell “then” Susan.

Maybe some of this will resonate with you as well!

Chapter 1: What would 56-year-old Susan tell 13-year-old Susie.

Before we do, I need to set the stage and tell you a little bit about 13-year-old me. My dad was a Marine Corps pilot and was killed in action in Vietnam in 1968 when I was 2 years old. Sadly, I don’t have any memories of him. My mom married my stepdad, who was a great guy when I was 4 years old. At this stage of my life, we lived in Walnut, CA (Southern CA) and had a beach house in San Clemente, CA where we would spend weekends and holidays. My mom worked full time and my stepdad owned his own business. I wore Vans and Chemin de Fer jeans. We had 5 kids in our family ranging in age from 15 to newborn. My stepdad was ready to sell his business and they decided to move us from Southern California back to the Midwest where both my mom and stepdad were raised. So, they purchased 4 acres and a 1904 farmhouse in rural Nebraska outside a town of about 3500. We were 5 miles from town, and our nearest neighbor was 1/4 mile away. We moved there from southern California. I was 13. And a girl. This did not go over well, people! I may or may have done some destructive and self-sabotaging things at this age.

So here are a few things I would tell 13-year-old Susie.

Other 8^th graders in Nebraska will NOT think you are cool because you are from California. They are not impressed with your Vans and Chemin de Fer jeans. You will cry a lot those first few weeks in Nebraska. Stay humble, be sweet, and I promise, you will make friends.

Speaking of what people think of you… STOP CARING ABOUT THAT. You worry way too much about what others think. What do YOU think of YOU? Love yourself. Love your strengths and talents and love your flaws and imperfections. It’s what makes you, YOU! The sooner you learn that the happier you will be with your life, and you will attract friends and people into your life who love you for all those reasons as well!

Stop being boy crazy. I know a lot of 13-year-old girls are boy crazy, but that look is not good on you.

Those self-destructive things you are going to do, think, say as you get older…they are only hurting YOU. No one else. So, don’t even go there Susie, you are worth so much more.

In 1982, Diet Coke will be invented. DO NOT START DRINKING IT! It will be your worst addiction.

What advice would you give your 13-year-old self?

If you don’t already, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. I am posting daily on my stories of all my adventures! Here are a few highlights from the last 10 days!

Today is day 14 of my 4-month Next Chapter Best Chapter road trip and it’s also my 56^th birthday! Last night, I arrived in La Jolla, CA, where I will spend the next 16 days visiting my daughter. I’ll also be working my full-time job, exploring the area, taking in the beautiful weather, and doing a few unexpected things!

In honor of my 56 years on this spinning rock, I have come up with a list of 56 things I want to experience on this once-in-a-lifetime trip. A bucket list within my bucket list! Keep in mind that this list was created with the help of two friends and one (ok, maybe more) of Uncle Mike’s famous margaritas. And there is one item on this list that I was double-dog dared to add, but will not actually do… a blog post Easter Egg if you will! For fun, put in the comments which experience you think is the Easter Egg!

And, if you have any great ideas I should add, let me know in the comments as well! I’m happy to add more to the list!

Fifty-six bucket list items to experience on my
Next Chapter Best Chapter road trip:

(“New States” are: Idaho, Alaska, Montana, North Dakota, and Wisconsin)

1. Hike Devil’s Bridge in Arizona

2. Get a tattoo or two

3. Glamp at Joshua Tree National Park

4. Visit Yellowstone National Park

5. Go on a solo hike

6. Visit Zion National Park

7. Visit Petrified Forest National Park

8. Take a selfie at Imperial Sand Dunes

9. Go to a concert

10 Go to a drive-in movie theater

11. Make a friend while hiking solo

12. Go to a gun range

13. Eat out at a restaurant by myself

14. Eat food I have never eaten before

15. Dance on a bar top

16. Receive a ticket or violation of some kind

17. Go to a strip club

18. Get a photo with a random person in every new state

19. Get a selfie with a celebrity

20. AirDrop a funny photo to a random person

21. See a moose in the wild

22. See a bear in the wild

23. Go to the dog beach in San Diego

24. Go whale watching

25. Giving surfing a try

26. Watch a sunset in every new state

27. Have a one-night stand

28. Watch a sunrise in every new state

29. Stargaze in every new state

30. Eat a potato in Idaho

31. Relax in an Idaho hot spring

32. Go to a brewery in every new state

33. Eat salmon in Alaska

34. See a bald eagle in Alaska

35. Eat a bison burger in Montana

36. Eat chokecherry jam/pie in North Dakota

37. Eat cheese curds in Wisconsin

38. Get a selfie with a cowboy

39. Swim in the Pacific Ocean

40. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean

41. Exercise on the beach

42. Exercise in the mountains

43. Go to a rodeo

44. Go to a professional sports game

45. Go fishing

46. Complete my Random Act of Kindness cards

47. Collect a Christmas ornament in every state I sleep in

48. Listen to the entire Annie F. Downs EnneaSummer Series Podcast

49. Go to Disneyland

50. Learn how to make the perfect Old Fashioned

51. Lose 10 pounds

52. Visit a psychic

53. Go skinny dipping

54. Take a scenic drive without a GPS

55. Zipline

56. Book my flight to Hawaii (my last of the 50 states to visit)

I hope you have enjoyed riding shotgun on my road trip so far! Fourteen days down, 108 to go!

• 35 hours in my car
• 2,110 miles driven
• 8 states traveled through (Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona.
• 1 National Park visited – Petrified Forest National Park
• 8 friends visited with 124 years total since I had seen them
• 10 Gas Fill Ups
• $3.39/gallon in Wichita Falls, TX on 3/7/22 – Lowest gas price
• $4.59/gallon in Gilbert, AZ on 3/10/22 – Highest gas price
• 1 Hike at the San Tan Mountain Regional Park
• 3 Instagram Reels, 4 TikTok Videos, and way too many Instagram and Facebook Stories to count!
• 1,000,000 – the number of times I have said “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE!”

Lessons learned in Week 1:

Don’t let friendships get lost in the day-to-day busyness of life: I reconnected with seven friends I hadn’t seen in years and in some cases decades. While we easily and quickly fell back into the step as if we had never been apart, I think of all the wasted years in between. Life gets busy, I know that as much as anyone. But relationships are what life is about. Set aside some time to reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Go have coffee or a zoom happy hour and catch up. I promise you won’t regret it.

Don’t stop at gas stations with dog runs: Somewhere in the middle of Mississippi, I stopped at a Love’s Travel Center that had a dog run. I thought it was a good idea. The dog run was small and had 3 large dogs in it, so I decided to just walk Mowgli around the grassy area. Bad decision – there were SO MANY smells, Mowgli got so worked up, it took him an hour back in the car to finally calm down. And people who travel with their dogs and stop at truck stops don’t believe in cleaning up after their dogs. You guys – it was DISGUSTING!

When God closes a door, know he is protecting you or planning on something even better than you could have imagined: I feel like I have always known this, but sometimes it’s hard to remember. Sometimes we get reminded of it when a door we thought was wide open for us gets abruptly and firmly slammed in our face, as it did for me this week. For a hot minute, I was so angry and didn’t understand why this opportunity fell through. But when I took some time to pray and think about it, I know that God ALWAYS has my back. I’m not sure what that will look like, but that slammed door now has me SO EXCITED and on the lookout for what He has planned in my life. That slammed door has given me the freedom to be open to the outrageous and the unexpected. So…stay tuned, and let’s all hope God reveals that plan in the next four months! Wouldn’t that be exciting?

Listen to new music: There is comfort in the known and listening to songs that bring back memories of great times and places. But there is also something amazing about opening yourself up to new songs, new styles of music, and new memories.  Thanks to my son Zach for setting up some great playlists for me, and helping me to create new memories tied to those songs along the way!

Be nice: Being on the road for over 35 hours, it’s so important to be nice. It’s EASY to be snarky and short-tempered, but it’s so much better to be nice. Let the trucker in, even if he is going below the speed limit on a hill while passing another trucker. Move to the right, even when you don’t want to get behind that car that is going way too slow, but the person behind you is obviously in a hurry. Be polite and nice to the gas station attendants, they see weary travelers all day.

Take a detour: You don’t always have to be on a schedule. Some unplanned stops on my trip were some of the best resting and reset points along the way. Mowgli and I hung out in Tupelo, MS at Elvis’s birthplace where Mowgli got a ton of pets from all the tourists, and I got a need stretching of my legs. At the Cadillac Ranch outside of Amarillo, TX we met a super sweet couple who we chatted with for a while, and Mowgs and I got our first road trip picture together. And I got the best scenery pictures so far at the Petrified National Forest in Arizona. 

It’s ok to feel the feelings: I am an Enneagram 3 and the last thing an Enneagram 3 wants to do is feel our feelings. I am an expert at stuffing down my feelings, and quite frankly wear it like a badge of honor! “I’m fine. I’m good. I’m great. I’m awesome.” But, this trip is designed for me to heal and restore my soul so I can live a life of joy and freedom from guilt, shame, and others’ expectations. So, I forced myself to spent a lot of time on the road just feeling the feelings of the last 12 years of my life. From sadness to joy, heartbreak to happiness. And that was a good thing.

If you don’t already, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. I am posting daily on my stories of all my adventures!

But, it seems to be turning into SO MUCH MORE!

If all goes according to plan here is my Road-Trip-by-the-Numbers:

States I will visit: 29
Miles I will travel: 8,200
Gas I will purchase: Let’s please not even talk about this!
Friends and family homes I will stay in: 9 homes for a total of 59 nights
Airbnb’s I am renting: 7 for a total of 48 nights
Hotel rooms I’ll be staying in: 3 hotels for 3 nights
Airline flights: 4

I have so many friends who I am scheduled to visit, most of whom I haven’t seen in over 30 years. And this number is growing daily as I reach out, and as old friends hear about my trip and reach out to me. The simple preparation of this trip has reconnected me with countless friends from around the country, from all stages of my life. I have exchanged phone numbers, had email and messenger conversations, and even chatted on the phone with people!

My intentions for this trip have grown and developed over the weeks as well. I have spent a good amount of time in quiet, thoughtful prayer. I don’t want this trip to be something I just check off my to-do list. I believe and hope this trip will be transformative and restorative for me.  

If you are like me, and 50-something years old, you likely have some baggage weighing you down. You may have some trauma or heartbreak holding you back from making bold, courageous moves in your life. You probably have a self-destructive habit or two that keeps you from living the life God intended. I know I do. I am hopeful that this trip, will allow me the time, the space, the thoughtfulness to shed some of that baggage. To heal some of the heartbreak. To create new, constructive habits. To figure out my next best step in this life. To realize that I am worthy of all God intends for me. That I don’t have to settle for less than. I don’t have to settle for situations that don’t challenge me to grow and step into my greatness. I don’t have to settle for friendships and relationships that are contingent on me being who they expect me to be, rather than who I am…imperfect and flawed. Or settle for relationships that are half-hearted, one-sided, or uncommitted.

Of course, I’ll still be working my full-time job and my side gig. But, I’ll also be spending a lot of time outdoors. I’ll be journaling like my life depends on it. I’ll be spending time in the Word. I’ll be reconnecting with old friends, and hopefully making new friends along the way.

I’ll be getting raw, and real in my blog because I’m pretty sure some of what I am going through will resonate with you. And maybe, just maybe, will give you the courage and inspiration to change your life in little ways or maybe even in big ways.

Thank you for being along for the ride. I’m so happy to have you!

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Dear Brad,

It’s been ten years. The sound of your voice, your scent, your touch is no longer easily recalled in my memory. Your name on my lips is no longer familiar. On August 15, 2020 it will be ten years since you left this earth. Ten years since you took your own life. You left our four children fatherless and me to raise them without you. I was so mad at you. How could you do this to us? What will I say to our children? How do I do this life without you? I was so mad I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I needed to stay here and begin to clean up this mess of a life you left me.

But I did go to the hospital. And I was grateful to be there when you took your final breath, when the pain you were feeling finally left. And then all I felt was sorrow. Sorrow for the life taken too soon and the pain I did not understand. The pain I did not know how to relieve.

And, how much pain you must have felt to take your life. You were charismatic, fun-loving, intelligent, and kind. Even through the pain, we never knew how much you were suffering. The world lost a remarkable man that day. The world is less than, without you. I wish I had known the extent of the suffering you were experiencing. I wish I had been more observant, more knowledgeable, more empathetic, less selfish. I wish so many things.

Although all five of us are thriving ten years later, we would rather have you here on this earth. We would give everything up for more time with you.

I wish you would have gotten help. I wish you had gone to the doctor, talked to someone. I wish you were here for Zach’s wedding and the birth of your first grandchild and to see what a successful businessman he has become. I wish you could have been at Zoe’s graduation from Physical Therapy school, met her husband, walked her down the aisle at her wedding, and seen what a difference she is making in the lives of others. I wish you could feel the pride I felt when Zia received acceptance letters and scholarships to so many colleges, became the president of her sorority and seen the truly kind and compassionate heart she has for the marginalized. I wish you could have been to Zane’s high school graduation, moved him into his college dorm and seen what a kind, hard working, and respectful young man he has become and the future that awaits him.

I know you would be proud of the lives we are leading and the legacies we are building.  It has been hard fought. It has not been easy without you. The easy thing would have been to use your tragic death as an excuse. An excuse to not build productive meaningful lives. An excuse to be self-destructive. But each of us have overcome our own unique obstacles to be a difference maker in our chosen path. Parenting without you has been so hard, and I have made some mistakes. But together we laid a foundation that I have tried to build on. And the proof of that is our kids … they are incredible.

The upcoming days to the anniversary of your death have been difficult for me. As I move into this new stage of life as an empty nester without you, it’s hard not to remember the hopes and dreams we had for our life together. You were a dreamer, I am a realist. We always landed somewhere in the middle. It was a good thing. I miss that.

As a family, we will continue to honor you and your legacy through our work and our lives. You taught me so much in life and in death. You taught me to be more spontaneous and everything doesn’t need to be planned out. You showed me how to be a friend, because you never met a stranger. This was evident at your memorial service when there was standing room only. You taught me how to work hard and play hard, because that’s how you lived your life. In death you showed me how strong I can be. You taught me how to forgive … forgive others and myself.

You are missed.

Until I see you again …

Love, Susan

My hope is that our story can help at least one family not experience the grief of losing a loved one through suicide.

If you are having suicidal feelings, please get help. Please talk to someone. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

• YOU are worthy.
• The world needs YOU.
• Your family and friends are NOT better off without you.
• You are valuable and worth getting and receiving help.
• You are loved.

If you know someone who might be having suicidal thoughts, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are 5 steps you can take to #BeThe1To help someone in emotional pain:

1. ASK: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It’s not an easy question but studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they are suicidal does not increase suicides or suicidal thoughts.
2. KEEP THEM SAFE: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. While this is not always easy, asking if the at-risk person has a plan and removing or disabling the lethal means can make a difference.
3. BE THERE: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Research suggests acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce rather than increase suicidal thoughts
4. HELP THEM CONNECT: Save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s number in your phone so it’s there when you need it: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also help make a connection with a trusted individual like a family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
5. STAY CONNECTED: Staying in touch after a crisis or after being discharged from care can make a difference. Studies have shown the number of suicide deaths goes down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.

Download #BeThe1To Flyer

Now, my babies are actual adults and I am in unfamiliar territory again.  And what I really want to know is….WHERE IN THE WORLD is the book “What to Expect When You Were Expecting 18 Years Ago”?  In my opinion, THIS would be a best seller.

Here are some chapter titles and summaries I would have liked expert opinions and forewarning on:

Expect Your House to Actually GROW:  Ten years ago, when I would have had 4 kids still at home (ages 8, 9, 14, 17), my house was bursting at the seams and every single space was being used.  I don’t live in a mansion by any means, it’s a typical suburban home, 5 bedrooms, 3 stories, and finished basement.  It’s no slouch.  But, EVERY SINGLE SPACE was being used, or crammed with toys, school papers or sweaty gym clothes.  Shoes…so.many.shoes.  Everywhere!  Ten years ago, I would have coveted more square footage.  Now my house actually has rooms that go UNUSED for weeks, even MONTHS.  And, a little advanced warning that this would happen would have been nice.  And, how about some advice on how to navigate the emotional turmoil of being sad that the rooms aren’t filled, yet happy at the same time.  And don’t forget a little bit of guilt thrown in for being happy.

Expect Days to Actually GROW:  Ahhh…I remember the days when I wished for just 1 more hour in my day to read a little, get some extra sleep, take a shower, brush my teeth, drink wine.  Well, now it seems my wish has come true.  God actually started prepping me for this when my kids started driving and all that time I spent in the car driving to practices, school and social events and jobs was erased.  I should have clued in then, that I needed to fill my time.  But alas, I didn’t.   No longer are my days filled with kids activities, never ending household chores, cooking and feeding a houseful of people who all need to eat at different times.  My days are now (mostly) MINE!  Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?  And, honestly, it is.  The thing is…I don’t know how to fill those hours.  I have known for about 2 years that I needed a game plan.  I needed to figure out how I was going to take those extra hours in the day and turn them into happy, joyful productive and fun hours.  But, I was still caught off guard.  Ladies, I really need this book!

Expect to Feel all the Feels:  Sometimes I feel like a teenager again with all of these uncontrollable feelings creeping up on me at strange and inappropriate times.  Some of the feels I would have loved to been advised about:

Full of Pride & Joy – I raised my kids, they are still alive, I didn’t kill them and they are amazing humans.

Anxiety – Oh my gosh, are my kids safe?  Are they sleeping enough? Eating healthy meals?  Why are they calling me?  They never call me. They only ever text me.  Did they have a car accident?  Fail a test?  Have a fight with their roommate?  I better answer the phone.

Sadness – Obvs.  Mourning the crazy chaotic life I used to have.

Happiness – Glad my life is not crazy chaotic anymore.

Loneliness – This is real sisters, I miss my kids.  But also at the same time to my kids, “go away and have fun and figure out your future”.

Excitement – This is real too.  It’s exciting to figure out what’s next…who am I to become now?

Fear – “Oh my gosh..who am I to become now?”

So, here I am in my too big house, with all this time on my hands and all these feeling.  It’s never too late, and I am certainly not too old to redesign my life and reinvent myself.  I don’t have all the answers, and I probably never will, but I’m jumping off the cliff and will figure it all out on my way down!

I’d love to know what you are doing at this stage of your life to fill your time and your house and figure out what your new normal, sans kids at home, looks like.  Comment below with any great ideas or tips you have!

I know I keep acting like I am an empty nester, when I really do have one child still at home, and you may be thinking, ”she’s just a poser”. Well, that is true. My youngest son is still home. But, he attends community college for both high school and college credits, and he works about 30 hours a week, mostly weekends. So, in reality, I rarely ever see him. And, let’s face it, he’s a boy. Boys don’t need their mamas the way girls do.

And, I know when he really does leave, I want to be prepared. I don’t want to be one of those moms who was totally unprepared for the empty house, the sadness and most specifically the lack of purpose. Throughout most of my life, I knew my purpose; child, student and kick-ass business woman. Before kids, I had a pretty impressive career, and I loved it! I worked for a large data processing company, doing everything from business analyst, to COBOL programmer (totally dated myself there!), to systems engineer manager. I wore suits to work every day, led people and managed a P&L. It’s what I went to school for, and moved half way across the country for. Then, after about 8 years, and 2 kids, I knew that wasn’t how I was supposed to be spending my days. I knew, when I pulled into the parking lot of my building and cried for 10 minutes before heading into my office, this was not the calling God had for me in this season. This was not supposed to be my life at that time.

I wasn’t giving work what it needed, and I wasn’t giving my family what they needed. I wasn’t showing up right for anyone in my life. It was time to make a change. Oh my gosh! Do I admire those women who can do both! They are the heroes to me! To find passion in their work and come home and show up for their kids and spouse. I wanted so bad to be that woman. But, it wasn’t in me. Work did not give me joy anymore. I was so exhausted when I got home, I couldn’t find joy in the mom part either. And, the wife part…take a number hon, I’ll get to you when I can. So, after a review of our finances, we figured out we could make it work for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Guys, in my wildest dreams I never thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. Y’all, I’m a Type 3 on the Enneagram; The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious. Staying home, volunteering and keeping house was NOT how I envisioned my life when I was 10, 18, or 23 years old. But, when I was 31 that was EXACTLY what I was supposed to be doing. And, for 19 years, that’s what I did. THAT was my purpose. And, I don’t regret it for a single moment. The most joyous memories of my life were during those 19 years.

But that season of my life is quickly changing, and here I am, on the verge of this new chapter trying to figure out my new purpose and new joys in my life. I have many friends who have blazed this trail for me, and I admire them so much! I have a friend who went back to her passion of singing and acting, which she put on hold with kids at home, and now she participates in local theater. I have another friend who is competing in triathlons. This will never be me, but so impressed by her! I have another who spends her time traveling all over the world with her husband, and I can’t wait for her Instagram posts to see where she is off to next.

Me…I’m still figuring that out. In the meantime, I will just work on being a better me and showing up for me. For so many years, my identity was wrapped up in others and their needs. I was so great at being a martyr and putting myself last. Actually, I probably could have won an award for it. “Look what a great mom, wife, volunteer I am, I will put all of you first and ignore myself.” Who did that actually serve? What example was that for my children, specifically my girls? Well, I can’t go back and change that Susan, but the great thing is, it’s never too late to make a change. And, this season, it’s all about me, so hop on board or get left behind! I know…so cliché, but if the cliché fits…

What are you doing to rekindle a passion or figure out your new purpose?