Holy Guacamole! I’ve been on the road for FIFTY DAYS!!! For those of you who are new to this blog, I am a recently divorced empty-nester and on March 5, 2022, I loaded up my car and my dog and started a 4-month journey. I am touring the United States, visiting family and friends and seeing all the sights. I will be touring 5 of the 6 U.S. states I have never visited. And even more importantly, I am going on an adventure of self-discovery – my own little Eat, Pray, Love journey.

Here are a few updates to the statistics I am tracking:

• 4681 miles driven
• 103 hours in my Bronco
• 11 states I have traveled through (Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, Utah)
• $5.70 highest gas price I have paid on 3/18/22 in Banning, California
• 6 hikes – some were death marches (Chelsey)
• 5 Friends and family homes I have stayed in
• 4 National Parks visited (Petrified Forest, Sedona, Joshua Tree, Zion)
• 2 Airbnbs stayed in
• 2 new tattoos

If you have been following along, you know that on my 56th birthday, I created a 56 item Road Trip Bucket list to complete during my travels. I’ve been crossing off items as I go, 16 to be exact! Many of the items are specifically for when I begin visiting states I’ve never been to, which will be mid-May. Check out my list and the current status. NOTE: The one-night stand was a joke, but it’s been a hot minute, and crazily, many of you are in favor of that item being checked off! So, time will tell if that happens!

Here’s a list of my recent check-offs:

1. Go to Disneyland
2. Try surfing
3. Eat something I’ve never eaten – Nilgai cheeseburger
4. Listened to the entire #EnneaSummer2021 podcast series
5. Swim in the Pacific Ocean
6. Exercise at the beach
7. Receive a ticket or violation

Besides working my full-time job and my side hustles, I’ve also done a ton of fun things not on my Bucket List since my last blog post. (Follow along on Instagram and Facebook for real-time updates on my stories)

Highlights over the last 20 days:

• Spent two weeks in Redondo Beach with my brother and his sweet family doing all the things, but mostly just loving being a part of their daily family life!
• Amazing farmer’s markets with exotic products we don’t see in Georgia
• Macrame with my oldest niece
• Dog walking with my youngest niece
• Learning mad video skillz from my nephew
• Early morning chats with my brother over his gourmet coffee
• Daytime chats and walks with my sister-in-law
• Being the 3rd wheel on their weekly date night
• Heartfelt conversation over dinner with Doreen, my sorority sister, who I hadn’t seen since 1988
• Lunch and inspiring and hopeful conversation with Dawn, my childhood best friend, who I hadn’t seen since 1980
• Driving by my childhood home
• Lunch with my older brother and sister-in-law in Las Vegas
• Visited Zion National Park on my way to Salt Lake City
• Cocktails and crafts with Zoe
• Hauling Mowgli up 3 flights of stairs, 4 times a day
• Heather McMahan Farewell Tour in downtown SLC
• Hikes and walks with Zoe, Hutton, Van & Mowgli

I am spending time on this trip reflecting and doing hard inner work. It goes against my nature to look too deep into my emotions and my past. I am the queen of pushing through and shoving things down because that’s safe for me. It’s hard to do on your own, so next week I begin working with a spiritual mentor to help me with some of the things blocking me from living the life God intends for me. So stay tuned friends! It’s about to get REAL!

Now, on to the little series, I am calling:

What would 56-year-old Susan tell “then” Susan?
Chapter 3: What would 56-year-old Susan tell 23-year-old Susan?

(Read the last two posts for advice I would give 13-year-old and 18-year-old Susie.)

Let me set the stage for you: I have just graduated from the University of South Dakota with my MBA. I went straight to graduate school because I had a lot of fun in undergrad. A 3.2 GPA in business administration in 1988 would have landed me an assistant manager job at Foot Locker. That didn’t sound fun. I knew I could do better. I committed to kicking ass. So I did. Upon graduation, I interviewed at companies in South Dakota and Nebraska, but I was ready to get the heck out of dodge. So, I accepted a position that moved me to Detroit, MI. I happily hitched my hunter-green Chevy Citation to the back of a Ryder Truck and moved myself to The Motor City.

Throwback to Detroit, 1989-1990

I look back at this time of my life and I admire this Susan. She was a total badass. She was living her best life.

Here’s what I would tell that young lady:

I’m proud of you for taking that job and making that move. It was bold, courageous, and helped you grow into the woman you are now. You will look back on this time in your life and it will give you courage and boldness you will need to draw on in the future.

You will work hard. You will play harder! That is a good thing. Make sure you do that. You can sleep later.

Work is important, but not more important than relationships. Pay attention to the friends you make during this time and the relationships you are building. If they mean something to you, don’t let them go. You don’t want to look back 30 years and wish you had maintained those relationships.

You didn’t have to change your name from Susie to Susan because you thought it was more “business-like.” Who cares what people think of your name? There were many strong and amazing things you accomplished as Susie. Susie may seem like a little girl’s name, but for you, it was powerful.

What would you tell your 23-year-old self?

Highlights from the last 10 days of my Next Chapter Best Chapter Road Trip

If you have been following along, you know my first 3 weeks were a whirlwind of driving, visiting, hiking, working, touristing (I made that word up!). These last 10 days have been a much-needed time of rest and routine. I have spent the last 16 days at my older brother’s home, where he has graciously allowed my youngest daughter to live while she is in graduate school and working. He and his family do not live here full time, so it has just been me and Zia here. He has a beautiful home, in a beautiful city. We did some fun things like visiting Joshua Tree, Ocean Beach dog beach, the Flower Fields in Carlsbad, and the tide pools at Point Loma. We dressed up and went to a candlelight tribute to Taylor Swift by a string quartet. We have had great meals and enjoyed the amazing views San Diego offers. But what I have loved the most is spending time with my daughter on just “regular” days. It’s so fun to just “be” with your grown children when it’s not a holiday or event, and you get to see them in their normal day-to-day activities. We both worked full-time during my stay, and she has also gone to class. I have been able to experience her life alongside her. I met many of her closest friends, and it gave me comfort knowing that she has people looking out for her in this new life she is building across the country. I also had some quality alone time with myself. I am working on loving my own company, and so far, I haven’t annoyed myself too much yet!

Today, Mowgli and I will be leaving San Diego and heading up to visit with my younger brother, his wife, and their three kids. They also live in a beautiful home, in a beautiful city, with amazing views. I am looking forward to walking Mowgli with an ocean view every morning. But, again, what I am most excited about is getting to know my brother, sister-in-law, and their 3 kiddos on a deeper level. I left for college out of state when my brother was in second grade, and we have never lived in the same state since then. The times we have been together since then have been holidays and busy times where it’s hard to get to know people. So, I’m pumped to help with morning routines, be at their house when the kids get home from school, and hopefully just blend into their lives for the next 12 days. Yep – they are saints for letting me be a guest that long!

Now, on to the little series I am calling:

What would 56-year-old Susan tell “then” Susan?

Chapter 2: What would 56-year-old Susan tell 18-year-old Susie?

NOTE: If you didn’t read about 13-year-old Susie, you may want to jump back to the previous post.

NOTE AGAIN: I am not one to live in regret, and I do understand that every part of my previous life has led me to this part of my life. Let me be clear, I don’t wish for my past to be erased or changed. This is “therapy” for me as I look back on the pivotal moments of my life and try to learn from and lean into my past experiences as I move into my new chapter.

1984 – Let me set the stage for you.
Eighteen-year-old me could not wait to leave Nebraska. My whole high school career was based on that one objective – going to college in a different state. I did apply to the University of Nebraska, for college, but that was my backup, to the backup, to the backup school. It wasn’t that I thought I was too good for Nebraska, I just wanted new adventures. I wanted to meet new people, and do new things. I was raised by parents who left home and moved to new, faraway places. And that is how I was raised. It was expected that we would leave home and go far, far away…and don’t forget to take your lunch. See you at Christmas break.

With those things in mind, here are a few things 56-year-old me would tell 18-year-old Susie:

The next 5 years are going to be full of decision-making. You are good at making fast decisions and making them work. But, there is nothing wrong with taking time when thinking about big decisions. Not all decisions need to be made quickly.

Adventure is good. Running is not good. You will not be a new person just because you move to a new place.

Slow down. You don’t have to always be achieving or checking things off your to-do list.

What do you want? Think about that. Don’t think about what you think other people want. Don’t think about what you “should” do.

Boys are great. Girlfriends are better. Stay in touch with your friends, and don’t let life get in the way. You will have FOMO when you are 50 years old and see your college friends getting together and you aren’t part of that.

The Freshman 15 is legit. But it’s ok. You will lose it. Drink the beer, and eat the pizza. It’s all part of the experience.

What advice would you give your 18-year-old self?

If you don’t already, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. I am posting daily on my stories of all my adventures! Here are a few highlights from the last 10 days!

Let’s first look at my current road trip statistics:

As you can see, these first 20 days have been a whirlwind.

I am grateful that the pace has settled down and I am finding my routine and my rhythm. If you know me, you know I operate best when I have a routine and know what to expect! I’ll be at my current location in San Diego for the next 10 days or so, and it’s given me an opportunity to get settled, focus on work, and some of my intentions for this trip.

When I came up with this hair-brained idea back in the fall, it originated out of a desire to complete my bucket list item of visiting all 50 states. But as my divorce was finalized, I knew I needed it to be more than that. I needed to figure out who I am now, in this phase of my life. In my previous phases of life, I was a student, an employee, a wife, a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a single mom, a remarried woman with a very dysfunctional blended family, an unhappily married empty nester, and now a happy and single empty nester.

Part of figuring out who I am now, what I want out of my life, is reflecting on those past stages of my life. What caused me joy and led to a healthy relationship with myself and others? What caused me stress and pain and led to an unhealthy relationship with myself and others? 

I’m not one to live a life of regret. I 100% believe that every decision I made in my life was the best decision I could have made based on the information I had and the frame of mind I was in at the time. And, I love my life. Even the sadness, missteps, and tragedies. They have made me who I am today. However, I am grateful that as the years have gone on, I have become so much more self-aware and cognizant of why I react the way I do to situations and people. I am grateful I am growing as a person both in understanding myself and others around me. But I do feel like if I had a little more wisdom I may have made different decisions.

So, I’m starting a little series called,

What would 56-year-old Susan tell “then” Susan.

Maybe some of this will resonate with you as well!

Chapter 1: What would 56-year-old Susan tell 13-year-old Susie.

Before we do, I need to set the stage and tell you a little bit about 13-year-old me. My dad was a Marine Corps pilot and was killed in action in Vietnam in 1968 when I was 2 years old. Sadly, I don’t have any memories of him. My mom married my stepdad, who was a great guy when I was 4 years old. At this stage of my life, we lived in Walnut, CA (Southern CA) and had a beach house in San Clemente, CA where we would spend weekends and holidays. My mom worked full time and my stepdad owned his own business. I wore Vans and Chemin de Fer jeans. We had 5 kids in our family ranging in age from 15 to newborn. My stepdad was ready to sell his business and they decided to move us from Southern California back to the Midwest where both my mom and stepdad were raised. So, they purchased 4 acres and a 1904 farmhouse in rural Nebraska outside a town of about 3500. We were 5 miles from town, and our nearest neighbor was 1/4 mile away. We moved there from southern California. I was 13. And a girl. This did not go over well, people! I may or may have done some destructive and self-sabotaging things at this age.

So here are a few things I would tell 13-year-old Susie.

Other 8^th graders in Nebraska will NOT think you are cool because you are from California. They are not impressed with your Vans and Chemin de Fer jeans. You will cry a lot those first few weeks in Nebraska. Stay humble, be sweet, and I promise, you will make friends.

Speaking of what people think of you… STOP CARING ABOUT THAT. You worry way too much about what others think. What do YOU think of YOU? Love yourself. Love your strengths and talents and love your flaws and imperfections. It’s what makes you, YOU! The sooner you learn that the happier you will be with your life, and you will attract friends and people into your life who love you for all those reasons as well!

Stop being boy crazy. I know a lot of 13-year-old girls are boy crazy, but that look is not good on you.

Those self-destructive things you are going to do, think, say as you get older…they are only hurting YOU. No one else. So, don’t even go there Susie, you are worth so much more.

In 1982, Diet Coke will be invented. DO NOT START DRINKING IT! It will be your worst addiction.

What advice would you give your 13-year-old self?

If you don’t already, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. I am posting daily on my stories of all my adventures! Here are a few highlights from the last 10 days!

Today is day 14 of my 4-month Next Chapter Best Chapter road trip and it’s also my 56^th birthday! Last night, I arrived in La Jolla, CA, where I will spend the next 16 days visiting my daughter. I’ll also be working my full-time job, exploring the area, taking in the beautiful weather, and doing a few unexpected things!

In honor of my 56 years on this spinning rock, I have come up with a list of 56 things I want to experience on this once-in-a-lifetime trip. A bucket list within my bucket list! Keep in mind that this list was created with the help of two friends and one (ok, maybe more) of Uncle Mike’s famous margaritas. And there is one item on this list that I was double-dog dared to add, but will not actually do… a blog post Easter Egg if you will! For fun, put in the comments which experience you think is the Easter Egg!

And, if you have any great ideas I should add, let me know in the comments as well! I’m happy to add more to the list!

Fifty-six bucket list items to experience on my
Next Chapter Best Chapter road trip:

(“New States” are: Idaho, Alaska, Montana, North Dakota, and Wisconsin)

1. Hike Devil’s Bridge in Arizona

2. Get a tattoo or two

3. Glamp at Joshua Tree National Park

4. Visit Yellowstone National Park

5. Go on a solo hike

6. Visit Zion National Park

7. Visit Petrified Forest National Park

8. Take a selfie at Imperial Sand Dunes

9. Go to a concert

10 Go to a drive-in movie theater

11. Make a friend while hiking solo

12. Go to a gun range

13. Eat out at a restaurant by myself

14. Eat food I have never eaten before

15. Dance on a bar top

16. Receive a ticket or violation of some kind

17. Go to a strip club

18. Get a photo with a random person in every new state

19. Get a selfie with a celebrity

20. AirDrop a funny photo to a random person

21. See a moose in the wild

22. See a bear in the wild

23. Go to the dog beach in San Diego

24. Go whale watching

25. Giving surfing a try

26. Watch a sunset in every new state

27. Have a one-night stand

28. Watch a sunrise in every new state

29. Stargaze in every new state

30. Eat a potato in Idaho

31. Relax in an Idaho hot spring

32. Go to a brewery in every new state

33. Eat salmon in Alaska

34. See a bald eagle in Alaska

35. Eat a bison burger in Montana

36. Eat chokecherry jam/pie in North Dakota

37. Eat cheese curds in Wisconsin

38. Get a selfie with a cowboy

39. Swim in the Pacific Ocean

40. Swim in the Atlantic Ocean

41. Exercise on the beach

42. Exercise in the mountains

43. Go to a rodeo

44. Go to a professional sports game

45. Go fishing

46. Complete my Random Act of Kindness cards

47. Collect a Christmas ornament in every state I sleep in

48. Listen to the entire Annie F. Downs EnneaSummer Series Podcast

49. Go to Disneyland

50. Learn how to make the perfect Old Fashioned

51. Lose 10 pounds

52. Visit a psychic

53. Go skinny dipping

54. Take a scenic drive without a GPS

55. Zipline

56. Book my flight to Hawaii (my last of the 50 states to visit)

I hope you have enjoyed riding shotgun on my road trip so far! Fourteen days down, 108 to go!

• 35 hours in my car
• 2,110 miles driven
• 8 states traveled through (Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona.
• 1 National Park visited – Petrified Forest National Park
• 8 friends visited with 124 years total since I had seen them
• 10 Gas Fill Ups
• $3.39/gallon in Wichita Falls, TX on 3/7/22 – Lowest gas price
• $4.59/gallon in Gilbert, AZ on 3/10/22 – Highest gas price
• 1 Hike at the San Tan Mountain Regional Park
• 3 Instagram Reels, 4 TikTok Videos, and way too many Instagram and Facebook Stories to count!
• 1,000,000 – the number of times I have said “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS MY LIFE!”

Lessons learned in Week 1:

Don’t let friendships get lost in the day-to-day busyness of life: I reconnected with seven friends I hadn’t seen in years and in some cases decades. While we easily and quickly fell back into the step as if we had never been apart, I think of all the wasted years in between. Life gets busy, I know that as much as anyone. But relationships are what life is about. Set aside some time to reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Go have coffee or a zoom happy hour and catch up. I promise you won’t regret it.

Don’t stop at gas stations with dog runs: Somewhere in the middle of Mississippi, I stopped at a Love’s Travel Center that had a dog run. I thought it was a good idea. The dog run was small and had 3 large dogs in it, so I decided to just walk Mowgli around the grassy area. Bad decision – there were SO MANY smells, Mowgli got so worked up, it took him an hour back in the car to finally calm down. And people who travel with their dogs and stop at truck stops don’t believe in cleaning up after their dogs. You guys – it was DISGUSTING!

When God closes a door, know he is protecting you or planning on something even better than you could have imagined: I feel like I have always known this, but sometimes it’s hard to remember. Sometimes we get reminded of it when a door we thought was wide open for us gets abruptly and firmly slammed in our face, as it did for me this week. For a hot minute, I was so angry and didn’t understand why this opportunity fell through. But when I took some time to pray and think about it, I know that God ALWAYS has my back. I’m not sure what that will look like, but that slammed door now has me SO EXCITED and on the lookout for what He has planned in my life. That slammed door has given me the freedom to be open to the outrageous and the unexpected. So…stay tuned, and let’s all hope God reveals that plan in the next four months! Wouldn’t that be exciting?

Listen to new music: There is comfort in the known and listening to songs that bring back memories of great times and places. But there is also something amazing about opening yourself up to new songs, new styles of music, and new memories.  Thanks to my son Zach for setting up some great playlists for me, and helping me to create new memories tied to those songs along the way!

Be nice: Being on the road for over 35 hours, it’s so important to be nice. It’s EASY to be snarky and short-tempered, but it’s so much better to be nice. Let the trucker in, even if he is going below the speed limit on a hill while passing another trucker. Move to the right, even when you don’t want to get behind that car that is going way too slow, but the person behind you is obviously in a hurry. Be polite and nice to the gas station attendants, they see weary travelers all day.

Take a detour: You don’t always have to be on a schedule. Some unplanned stops on my trip were some of the best resting and reset points along the way. Mowgli and I hung out in Tupelo, MS at Elvis’s birthplace where Mowgli got a ton of pets from all the tourists, and I got a need stretching of my legs. At the Cadillac Ranch outside of Amarillo, TX we met a super sweet couple who we chatted with for a while, and Mowgs and I got our first road trip picture together. And I got the best scenery pictures so far at the Petrified National Forest in Arizona. 

It’s ok to feel the feelings: I am an Enneagram 3 and the last thing an Enneagram 3 wants to do is feel our feelings. I am an expert at stuffing down my feelings, and quite frankly wear it like a badge of honor! “I’m fine. I’m good. I’m great. I’m awesome.” But, this trip is designed for me to heal and restore my soul so I can live a life of joy and freedom from guilt, shame, and others’ expectations. So, I forced myself to spent a lot of time on the road just feeling the feelings of the last 12 years of my life. From sadness to joy, heartbreak to happiness. And that was a good thing.

If you don’t already, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. I am posting daily on my stories of all my adventures!

But, it seems to be turning into SO MUCH MORE!

If all goes according to plan here is my Road-Trip-by-the-Numbers:

States I will visit: 29
Miles I will travel: 8,200
Gas I will purchase: Let’s please not even talk about this!
Friends and family homes I will stay in: 9 homes for a total of 59 nights
Airbnb’s I am renting: 7 for a total of 48 nights
Hotel rooms I’ll be staying in: 3 hotels for 3 nights
Airline flights: 4

I have so many friends who I am scheduled to visit, most of whom I haven’t seen in over 30 years. And this number is growing daily as I reach out, and as old friends hear about my trip and reach out to me. The simple preparation of this trip has reconnected me with countless friends from around the country, from all stages of my life. I have exchanged phone numbers, had email and messenger conversations, and even chatted on the phone with people!

My intentions for this trip have grown and developed over the weeks as well. I have spent a good amount of time in quiet, thoughtful prayer. I don’t want this trip to be something I just check off my to-do list. I believe and hope this trip will be transformative and restorative for me.  

If you are like me, and 50-something years old, you likely have some baggage weighing you down. You may have some trauma or heartbreak holding you back from making bold, courageous moves in your life. You probably have a self-destructive habit or two that keeps you from living the life God intended. I know I do. I am hopeful that this trip, will allow me the time, the space, the thoughtfulness to shed some of that baggage. To heal some of the heartbreak. To create new, constructive habits. To figure out my next best step in this life. To realize that I am worthy of all God intends for me. That I don’t have to settle for less than. I don’t have to settle for situations that don’t challenge me to grow and step into my greatness. I don’t have to settle for friendships and relationships that are contingent on me being who they expect me to be, rather than who I am…imperfect and flawed. Or settle for relationships that are half-hearted, one-sided, or uncommitted.

Of course, I’ll still be working my full-time job and my side gig. But, I’ll also be spending a lot of time outdoors. I’ll be journaling like my life depends on it. I’ll be spending time in the Word. I’ll be reconnecting with old friends, and hopefully making new friends along the way.

I’ll be getting raw, and real in my blog because I’m pretty sure some of what I am going through will resonate with you. And maybe, just maybe, will give you the courage and inspiration to change your life in little ways or maybe even in big ways.

Thank you for being along for the ride. I’m so happy to have you!

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Dear Brad,

It’s been ten years. The sound of your voice, your scent, your touch is no longer easily recalled in my memory. Your name on my lips is no longer familiar. On August 15, 2020 it will be ten years since you left this earth. Ten years since you took your own life. You left our four children fatherless and me to raise them without you. I was so mad at you. How could you do this to us? What will I say to our children? How do I do this life without you? I was so mad I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I needed to stay here and begin to clean up this mess of a life you left me.

But I did go to the hospital. And I was grateful to be there when you took your final breath, when the pain you were feeling finally left. And then all I felt was sorrow. Sorrow for the life taken too soon and the pain I did not understand. The pain I did not know how to relieve.

And, how much pain you must have felt to take your life. You were charismatic, fun-loving, intelligent, and kind. Even through the pain, we never knew how much you were suffering. The world lost a remarkable man that day. The world is less than, without you. I wish I had known the extent of the suffering you were experiencing. I wish I had been more observant, more knowledgeable, more empathetic, less selfish. I wish so many things.

Although all five of us are thriving ten years later, we would rather have you here on this earth. We would give everything up for more time with you.

I wish you would have gotten help. I wish you had gone to the doctor, talked to someone. I wish you were here for Zach’s wedding and the birth of your first grandchild and to see what a successful businessman he has become. I wish you could have been at Zoe’s graduation from Physical Therapy school, met her husband, walked her down the aisle at her wedding, and seen what a difference she is making in the lives of others. I wish you could feel the pride I felt when Zia received acceptance letters and scholarships to so many colleges, became the president of her sorority and seen the truly kind and compassionate heart she has for the marginalized. I wish you could have been to Zane’s high school graduation, moved him into his college dorm and seen what a kind, hard working, and respectful young man he has become and the future that awaits him.

I know you would be proud of the lives we are leading and the legacies we are building.  It has been hard fought. It has not been easy without you. The easy thing would have been to use your tragic death as an excuse. An excuse to not build productive meaningful lives. An excuse to be self-destructive. But each of us have overcome our own unique obstacles to be a difference maker in our chosen path. Parenting without you has been so hard, and I have made some mistakes. But together we laid a foundation that I have tried to build on. And the proof of that is our kids … they are incredible.

The upcoming days to the anniversary of your death have been difficult for me. As I move into this new stage of life as an empty nester without you, it’s hard not to remember the hopes and dreams we had for our life together. You were a dreamer, I am a realist. We always landed somewhere in the middle. It was a good thing. I miss that.

As a family, we will continue to honor you and your legacy through our work and our lives. You taught me so much in life and in death. You taught me to be more spontaneous and everything doesn’t need to be planned out. You showed me how to be a friend, because you never met a stranger. This was evident at your memorial service when there was standing room only. You taught me how to work hard and play hard, because that’s how you lived your life. In death you showed me how strong I can be. You taught me how to forgive … forgive others and myself.

You are missed.

Until I see you again …

Love, Susan

My hope is that our story can help at least one family not experience the grief of losing a loved one through suicide.

If you are having suicidal feelings, please get help. Please talk to someone. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

• YOU are worthy.
• The world needs YOU.
• Your family and friends are NOT better off without you.
• You are valuable and worth getting and receiving help.
• You are loved.

If you know someone who might be having suicidal thoughts, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are 5 steps you can take to #BeThe1To help someone in emotional pain:

1. ASK: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It’s not an easy question but studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they are suicidal does not increase suicides or suicidal thoughts.
2. KEEP THEM SAFE: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. While this is not always easy, asking if the at-risk person has a plan and removing or disabling the lethal means can make a difference.
3. BE THERE: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Research suggests acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce rather than increase suicidal thoughts
4. HELP THEM CONNECT: Save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s number in your phone so it’s there when you need it: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also help make a connection with a trusted individual like a family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
5. STAY CONNECTED: Staying in touch after a crisis or after being discharged from care can make a difference. Studies have shown the number of suicide deaths goes down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.

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I’ve rarely played a game I didn’t like. Except The Comparison Game. Worst.Game.Ever. This game doesn’t discriminate. All ages and genders can play this stupid game. It isn’t reserved for only young teenage girls who compare themselves to super models and Instagram influencers.  This game can be played by 50-something women who are smart, confident and have life experiences that no one can compare.  Even if you have your shiz together you can fall prey to this game and all its traps and snares.

In today’s world, playing this game is as easy as sitting on my couch and opening my phone where, in high def pictures, I can see all of my friends on fabulous vacations, with their designer purses, and perfect children. (Can working people really take that many vacations? And, how did she have 3 children and still rock that two piece swimming suit?) Their houses look like they can be in architectural digest and they are always at a concert or GNO at some trendy local place. (How can people go out so much … I’d be exhausted!)  Here I am sitting on my couch in my Walmart pj’s with my dogs on my lap, who both need baths, drinking my sleepy time tea at 9:00 pm.

And, if I’m not careful, and very intentional, when I scan my Instagram or Facebook feeds, I can be left feeling … Less Than. Not enough. Sad. Depressed. Unworthy.  Anyone out there relate?

This is not a new discussion and this game has been around since the beginning of time. But, with the onset of social media, it’s become a big issue and a breaker of spirits and self-confidence. And as mid-lifers, empty nesters, 40, 50 and 60 year old women and men we are not immune to the lure of this game.

I am naturally inclined to compare, it’s part of my personality (once again, check out Enneagram 3s).  I’ve done it my whole life and very likely influenced my kids in a negative way through my own unhealthy need to compare. (That’s for a completely separate post entitled “All the way I’ve ruined my kids”. Stay tuned.)

I’m sure you’ve read these inspiring quotes before:

Don’t compare your everyday life to someone else’s highlight reel

Comparison is the thief of joy

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

I love a great quote as much as the next person, but give me something tangible people!  Of course, deleting these apps, or limiting your time on social media is always an option.  I have gone on social media fasts before and they are great. You can certainly survive this crazy life without a Facebook account. But, even without social media, The Comparison Game is for real, people! It was around long before smart phones, the internet and social media. And, unless you are a hermit, you will likely face the truths of this game and how they can make you feel.  

Being grateful is a good antidote to comparison. I write down 5 things I’m grateful for each day. And, I can’t write down coffee everyday. It must be something new. This habit helps me throughout the day to look for things I am grateful for. Big or small, when you are looking, there are always things for which to be grateful. Especially coffee. I am always grateful for coffee.

But, having a lifetime of playing this game, the best advice I can give is to

RUN YOUR OWN RACE!

If you don’t have a race, GET ONE! Get off that couch and get one! Start a new business, train to run a 5K, write a book, start a podcast or a blog, volunteer for something you are passionate about, go back to school and get that degree. I’m still figuring out my new purpose as an empty nester, so right now, my race is figuring that out! 

At times in my life when I had a clear purpose and mission, I didn’t compare myself to others, because I was running full out for that race. I had confidence and passion, and when I have those things, I can feel happiness and joy for people around me, rather than envy and jealousy. When I am so busy doing my thing and being great at it, I don’t have time to worry about what others are doing. This is an inside job and you are never too old to work on you!

What do you do when you feel the pull to play The Comparison Game?  

Looking for something more? I highly recommend The Comparison Trap – a 28-Day Devotional by Sandra Stanley.  I was fortunate enough to attend the recording of the video study for this and it’s exceptional and can give you some concrete steps to take to know your worth.

Click on the link below to find these products on Amazon. Please note, I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

Part of my morning routine is to text my friend Chelsey with my goals and gratitude.  It’s our accountability system we implemented so we don’t lose our way. I hadn’t texted her in a few days, simply out of laziness.  But on Friday I texted her a picture, along with the text “I’ve been wallowing in my unhealthy 9 all week.  Woke up today PISSED OFF.” (Translation: I’m an Enneagram 3, and when I am stressed/emotionally unhealthy, I start to take on all the unhealthy aspects of an Enneagram 9.  Look it up, it’s so intriguing.)

Chelsey lives in Arizona and we have a 3 hour time difference so when she finally awoke, I immediately received the reply “I wondered where the hell you were!  Call me!”

The first thing she said to me was “You’re mad because you are playing small”.

Whoa…girl!  I’m an ACHIEVER.  I get shizz done.  I’m a go-big or go-home kinda gal. I don’t play small. But wait, do I? I have a beautiful paid for house, a husband who loves me for who I am, four productive and achieving children, the perfect grandchild, two adorable dogs, a job that provides me health insurance and a 401k. I’m comfortable. And guess what…no one who is comfortable is playing big. 

Don’t get me wrong, all of those things are amazing, and I am incredibly grateful for all I have!  God has provided for me in so many ways.  But comfortable is NOT playing big.  Comfortable is NOT what God intended for me, or my life.  Was that madness stirring in my soul this morning the Holy Spirit saying “SUSAN!  What in the world are you doing?  You have a good 25 years left to do MORE!  To make an impact, to bring Me glory, to live out the life I have intended for you?”  

My response – ok, yeah, I see what you are saying. My bookshelf and audible account look like the self-help section of a Barnes & Noble.  I’ve read it all.  And yeah, I get it.  Because playing big requires me to be uncomfortable.  And that’s hard, so yeah, ok. Maybe.

I got back to work, marinating on what she said to me, and the truth of it. I REALLY don’t want to be uncomfortable. 

Two hours later, I meet a longtime friend, Tracey, who I hadn’t spoken to in about 8 years (because we let life get in the way of the important things like friendships!) for coffee.  We caught up on all the kids and what’s going on in our lives. Then she says to me “Susan, do you ever feel like you are just made for so much more than the comfortable place you are in?”

Wait…WHAT?  We haven’t spoken in 8 years, and you are going to see right through me and call me out on it?  Right here in the coffee shop?! Cue the tears…right there in the coffee shop!  (Side note:  Enneagram 3’s only want to achieve and don’t like to talk about their feelings.  We avoid it at all costs. I will show you exactly what I want you to see, and it will appear perfect. Welcome to the life of a 3.)

OK, God!  I see you, and I see what you are doing here!  I know I have a thick skull and am hard to reach, because I always think I know best.  So thank you for slapping me in the face with it AGAIN in one day.  Stop being comfortable.

All Friday afternoon I thought about playing small and what playing BIG in my life would look like.  I’m not sure to be honest.  I spent so much of my life supporting others to play big in their life.  I don’t know what that means for me.

I went to bed with lots of unanswered questions, but excited for the future.  I woke up at 3:30 am Saturday morning with my mind spinning about what this all means. I couldn’t settle my brain to fall back asleep, so I really knew that I had to do something about this stirring.  No longer sitting in this comfortableness.  No longer waking up mad because I am playing small.

I don’t know EXACTLY what that will look like in my life, but I know something is coming.  Something big is coming.  Something that some of you will say, “That’s ridiculous, Susan. You can’t do that.”

Watch me.

Are you living in your comfortableness and feeling like there is so much more?  Comment below if you are tired of playing small, let me know I’m not alone!

And, six weeks later, here I am sitting in my empty nest.  I don’t like it.  But, actually, I don’t hate it either!  It’s just different.  And, I’ve learned a few things in these 6 weeks:

1. I still cook dinner.  I was so over answering the annoying daily question of “what’s for dinner”. After 28 years of being in charge of dinner, I was determined to make every night “Fend for Yourself Night”.  The rebel in me wanted to give up this task, but the nurturer in me still wants to feed my people, even if my people has been reduced to my person. You are welcome, Mark.
2. Emotional Time – It’s a thing.  Who knew kids could take up so much less of your emotional time when they moved out?  Of course I still worry and think about my kids, but wow, has that emotional headspace cleaned up!  I have been filling that space with reading and podcasts.  I’ve been diving into the Enneagram and knowing my kids’ numbers, I’m also realizing I wish I had known about the Enneagram 10 years ago!  Oh the things I would have done differently!
3. I can crochet a decent pumpkin.  In anticipation of all this empty nesting free time, I have (re)learned to crochet. (I am a grandma after all, aren’t we supposed to crochet?)  I have filled my time with crocheting these cute pumpkins and it’s out of control actually.  Crocheted pumpkins are cute, but come on…I’m borderline manic about filling my time with this hobby.  At last count, I’ve made 34 of them.  Who wants a pumpkin?
4. Twenty four hours is SO MUCH TIME!  Remember when 24 hours was not enough time to get everything done you wanted to get done.  Just wait. If you have littles, it may be 18 years, but it is coming! I have a full time job and a side hustle, and 24 hours is still SO MUCH TIME!
5. Two people only create three loads of laundry a week.  And one of those is towels.  WHAT?? It’s true.  And it is a magnificent thing.
6. Zoom is the best free app I have.  I have a standing video call every Sunday with my kids.  It’s tricky, spanning 3 time zones, but whoever is available jumps on.  We only chat for about 30 minutes to catch up and share the highlights of our week, but I get to see their faces and it makes this mama’s heart happy. 

Six weeks in…I’m going to be just fine!  I’m a middle aged work in progress, and looking forward to this re-invented me.

Oh..and stay tuned…been working on my ukulele skills.