Dear Brad,

It’s been ten years. The sound of your voice, your scent, your touch is no longer easily recalled in my memory. Your name on my lips is no longer familiar. On August 15, 2020 it will be ten years since you left this earth. Ten years since you took your own life. You left our four children fatherless and me to raise them without you. I was so mad at you. How could you do this to us? What will I say to our children? How do I do this life without you? I was so mad I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I needed to stay here and begin to clean up this mess of a life you left me.

But I did go to the hospital. And I was grateful to be there when you took your final breath, when the pain you were feeling finally left. And then all I felt was sorrow. Sorrow for the life taken too soon and the pain I did not understand. The pain I did not know how to relieve.

And, how much pain you must have felt to take your life. You were charismatic, fun-loving, intelligent, and kind. Even through the pain, we never knew how much you were suffering. The world lost a remarkable man that day. The world is less than, without you. I wish I had known the extent of the suffering you were experiencing. I wish I had been more observant, more knowledgeable, more empathetic, less selfish. I wish so many things.

Although all five of us are thriving ten years later, we would rather have you here on this earth. We would give everything up for more time with you.

I wish you would have gotten help. I wish you had gone to the doctor, talked to someone. I wish you were here for Zach’s wedding and the birth of your first grandchild and to see what a successful businessman he has become. I wish you could have been at Zoe’s graduation from Physical Therapy school, met her husband, walked her down the aisle at her wedding, and seen what a difference she is making in the lives of others. I wish you could feel the pride I felt when Zia received acceptance letters and scholarships to so many colleges, became the president of her sorority and seen the truly kind and compassionate heart she has for the marginalized. I wish you could have been to Zane’s high school graduation, moved him into his college dorm and seen what a kind, hard working, and respectful young man he has become and the future that awaits him.

I know you would be proud of the lives we are leading and the legacies we are building.  It has been hard fought. It has not been easy without you. The easy thing would have been to use your tragic death as an excuse. An excuse to not build productive meaningful lives. An excuse to be self-destructive. But each of us have overcome our own unique obstacles to be a difference maker in our chosen path. Parenting without you has been so hard, and I have made some mistakes. But together we laid a foundation that I have tried to build on. And the proof of that is our kids … they are incredible.

The upcoming days to the anniversary of your death have been difficult for me. As I move into this new stage of life as an empty nester without you, it’s hard not to remember the hopes and dreams we had for our life together. You were a dreamer, I am a realist. We always landed somewhere in the middle. It was a good thing. I miss that.

As a family, we will continue to honor you and your legacy through our work and our lives. You taught me so much in life and in death. You taught me to be more spontaneous and everything doesn’t need to be planned out. You showed me how to be a friend, because you never met a stranger. This was evident at your memorial service when there was standing room only. You taught me how to work hard and play hard, because that’s how you lived your life. In death you showed me how strong I can be. You taught me how to forgive … forgive others and myself.

You are missed.

Until I see you again …

Love, Susan

My hope is that our story can help at least one family not experience the grief of losing a loved one through suicide.

If you are having suicidal feelings, please get help. Please talk to someone. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

• YOU are worthy.
• The world needs YOU.
• Your family and friends are NOT better off without you.
• You are valuable and worth getting and receiving help.
• You are loved.

If you know someone who might be having suicidal thoughts, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Here are 5 steps you can take to #BeThe1To help someone in emotional pain:

1. ASK: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It’s not an easy question but studies show that asking at-risk individuals if they are suicidal does not increase suicides or suicidal thoughts.
2. KEEP THEM SAFE: Reducing a suicidal person’s access to highly lethal items or places is an important part of suicide prevention. While this is not always easy, asking if the at-risk person has a plan and removing or disabling the lethal means can make a difference.
3. BE THERE: Listen carefully and learn what the individual is thinking and feeling. Research suggests acknowledging and talking about suicide may in fact reduce rather than increase suicidal thoughts
4. HELP THEM CONNECT: Save the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s number in your phone so it’s there when you need it: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can also help make a connection with a trusted individual like a family member, friend, spiritual advisor, or mental health professional.
5. STAY CONNECTED: Staying in touch after a crisis or after being discharged from care can make a difference. Studies have shown the number of suicide deaths goes down when someone follows up with the at-risk person.

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